


The Coulson-May Accidental Bed and Breakfast Retirement Plan (Go Ahead Ask Melinda to Serve You Breakfast in Bed)

by anarchycox



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Phil really wants a couple sheep, Retirement, Snark, That will not go well at all, best superhero B&B ever, is it falling in love when you are clearly already in love, like horribly, so...acknowledging you've been in love forever, the Australia option, the spiders in australia won't kill phil but melinda might if he doesn't shut up about them, they suck at retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-12-08 21:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11655453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: At the start of season 5 Melinda rescues Phil from outer space. Only after the rescue he admits that he is very tired and just wants...something else. Melinda lets him know the Australia option she had mentioned years ago was still open. They walk away from their lives and disappear to a homestead just outside Alice Springs Australia.But now it is just the two of them, no missions, no people, to run interference. And they have to face the feelings they've been hiding for so long.Or you know...just continue to bury them in remodeling the house and Phil trying to raise a sheep and a million other things that go wrong and eventually very very right.





	1. Prologue

Phil heard the gunfire and screams and smiled and just read the one book he had. He had practiced this moment so many times in his head. He was not ruining this chance. He had a quip ready for whomever came through the door, though he had his money on May. A few minutes later his door was blown up and there she stood.

"-" Phil made a noise in his throat that was supposed to be a word, but fuck it was too good to see her again to make a joke. She had two guns, a scrape on her cheek and that you have made my life difficult and will pay accordingly look in her eye. He loved that look. He opened his mouth finally ready to say his rehearsed line.

"Coulson, this was very difficult to arrange and I swear to god if you make a Star Wars joke, I will leave you on this space station," Melinda warned. "Which by the way, is rather rigged to blow if Mack has done his job. Now," she smiled a little. "Ready to jump in the trash compactor?"

"I love you," he blurted out.

Melinda rolled her eyes and tossed him a spare gun. "Let's move."

They fought their way to the extraction point, working together as easily as always though Phil was sure it had been three months...Or was it five?

And then the team were all on a shuttle back to Earth. It was a very tight fit since it was in fact some old retrofitted equipment from NASA that Fitz had stolen. It was a miracle they didn't die when they landed. They made it eventually to SHIELD headquarters where Phil was giving a hero's return and it was all wonderful and great and oh look his office was just how he had last seen it. Phil sat behind the desk and just stared into space.

His phone was beeping, there was just a stack of files and god knows what world emergency.

Melinda knocked on the door. "Hey, happy to be home?"

Phil looked at her. "Of course," he said. He opened a file and stared at words he couldn't focus on. "So what's on deck?"

Melinda sat across from him. "Phil?"

"Nothing," he said. He closed the file. Phil realized that he despised this room. He stood up walked to the wall and grabbed the fire axe. He began to take it to his desk again and again. Melinda's hand against his back stilled him. "I'm tired, Melinda." He dropped the ax. "Don't you ever wish -"

"Wish what?" she asked quietly.

"That I had agreed to Australia when I was losing my mind?" He turned and looked at her. "That we had walked away, just disappeared? I could use a little disappearing right now."

"You need a vacation, I can understand that," Melinda said.

Phil shook his head. "I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, and I don't care. This was everything I believed in and I just...I can't sit in here anymore and make the hard calls and watch it all fall apart and watch the universe move me away from you. I stay, there is nothing of me left." 

Melinda looked at him. "Say it clearly for me, Coulson."

"I'm done," his voice was soft but sure. "I'm done."

Melinda nodded and left the office. Phil had no idea what that meant but he figured that he should start to clean up the mess he made. She was back a few minutes later and threw a mostly packed bug out bag at him. "Pick 3 mementos from in here. You have 30 seconds." She looked at her watch.

Phil didn't think, just grabbed the model of Lola, a framed Captain America propaganda flyer and the pen Melinda had given him 20 years ago.

They walked out of the building slowly.

"Hey guys, mission?" Daisy asked catching up to them in the hallway.

"Yeah, just need to check on a couple things," Phil said easily. He reached into his pocket and pulled out some keys. "Here, keep these for me?" It's what you did, hand the keys over to your kid, to your successor when you leave.

"Sure," Daisy was a little confused. They reached the blast doors and Melinda and Phil stepped through.

"Sir, I need your permission to -" Fitz came down the hall running.

The doors were almost closed. Phil smiled a little. "Ask Director Johnson, she's in charge."

"What the fuck?" Daisy could be heard shouting as the doors closed.

"So much for a subtle exit." Melinda gave him a look and he shrugged helplessly. They ran for an SUV and managed to make it out of the building just as the alarms went off.

**************************************

They used fake passports and Phil wore his glasses. Melinda wore a wig. 

"Where are you heading?" the TSA officer asked as if he didn't have their tickets and forged passports in hand.

"Australia," Melinda said in a sweet and happy voice.

Phil threw an arm over her shoulder. "Never did have a good honeymoon. Promised her for our 25th we'd do it up big." He looked down at her, and grinned. "Some of the last great wilderness left in the world to explore."

Melinda giggled. "So long as some of that exploring is also at a spa, we can camp as much as you want."

The officer smiled at them and handed back all their paperwork. "You have a good time."

They waited just like normal civilians and got on the plane. "Thank god you sprung for business class." 

"Too long a flight to put you in coach," Melinda said. "You'd whine."

"I wouldn't," he protested.

Melinda just looked at him and buckled in.

On hour 5 of the flight Phil looked over at her. "I can't believe you kept the place."

Melinda rolled her head on her seat and stared at him. "Always was a chance something would happen. I like open options."

"I feel good about this," Phil said.

"Get some sleep, Coulson." She closed her eyes.

"Can't, reading on sheep. I think I'd be great at raising a couple sheep."

"No."

"We'll see," he said and kept reading. He moved on from sheep to terrain and then dangerous flora and fauna of Australia. "Melinda," he hissed not wanting to wake the other passengers. "Do you know how many insects and animals can kill you in Australia?" Melinda kept sleeping. Phil decided to do more research before he bothered her with this. They needed to be prepared.

They arrived and switched from large commercial plane to a small charter one that took them to Alice Springs.

"Oh god, why is it so hot?" Phil asked as they stepped off the plane and onto the tarmack. "Melinda, it's hot."

She looked cool and calm, wig thrown out in a bathroom in Melbourne. 

Phil was sweating two seconds off the plane. "I am going to burn."

"We'll get you a hat," Melinda said. They walked into the airport and waited for their bags to appear. They even had luggage just like normal people. Though Phil had picked the rather bright purple colour. They went out to the parking lot where Melinda found a white truck. "Here we go."

"It's a little big isn't it?" Phil stared at it. "And sort of -"

"We don't live in the city Phil, but about an hour out," Melinda explained. "Good for supply runs."

Phil nodded. "For my sheep."

"We are not getting you sheep."

"I want the sheep, Melinda."

"I want to not find dead livestock on my porch," Melinda said.

Phil was immediately distracted. "We have a porch."

"Wraparound." Melinda got in the truck. "You coming?"

Phil hopped in. They used GPS to find a grocery store and Phil managed to find a few hats and some sunglasses. Melinda drove them out to the place. They opened the gate and drove up to the front. "How much land?" Phil asked staring around.

"7 or so acres," Melinda said.

They got out of the truck and looked at the house. It was solid but clearly needed a lot of work. There were several boards missing from the porch but it also had a swing. They went into the house, Phil carrying the cooler and Melinda a couple other bags. They walked around and made some notes, plumbing and electrical worked and it had a roof. Everything else needed a lot of help.

Phil opened the cooler and got them both beers. He opened them and handed Melinda hers. "So, Australia."

"Australia," she agreed and tapped her bottle against his.

"Can I tell you about the spiders that are going to kill us now?" he asked.

She took a sip. "You mean like that one right there?" She pointed to the wall. 

Phil screamed and reached for a weapon that wasn't there anymore. It was a mote of dust she had pointed at.

"I hate you," Phil shouted.

Melinda just smiled. "Welcome home, Phil." She walked away with her beer to see how well the shower worked.

Turned out the answer was not well at all.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Melinda had a cup of tea and no Phil. She walked around the house and saw post it notes on walls and wondered where he had even found sticky notes. Were they in the house or something he made appear because as of yet she was the one to do the three runs back into town for food and more hats and sunblock. She read a few of the notes as she walked around. Mostly they were ideas for paint colours or lists of things that needed work. There were no big projects around the house, but a million little ones. Each room had a note for how much bug spray should be kept in it with a  _Melinda read my information on spiders already_ mention on it as well - like Phil knew she'd take the time to stop and read each post it.

Sure, she did do that, but still. Phil didn't know her as well as he thought.

The sticky note right below the read the spider intel one said  _don't make that face, i do know you that well_.

Asshole.

She went into the empty living room and did her morning tai chi and then made another cup of tea. She put on shoes and walked out to the barn which needed the most work. Phil was in the middle of the space under the hole in the roof, making notes on a clipboard.

"Where did you find a clipboard?" she asked.

"Office supplies magically appear in my presence when they are needed. Don't tell the Avengers they'll want to recruit me back to their fold immediately." Phil made a few more notes.

"So found it in a drawer," Melinda said.

"Yup," Phil agreed. He looked around the barn. "If this is going to have my sheep, it needs a lot of work."

"You aren't having sheep," she reminded him. She took the clipboard from his hands and looked at the list. She added a couple more points and handed it back.

Phil gave her a sly look. "You let me have a few sheep, you can have a couple of horses."

Melinda stilled. Very casually she sipped her tea before asking, "what makes you think I want horses?"

"You love horses."

"Everyone loves horses," she answered.

"Argentina, 2004," Phil said. "You should have some horses."

"Two," she said quietly. "More gets to be a lot of work, but two can keep each other company."

"I was thinking five or six sheep for me," Phil said.

"Three," she finally conceded. "But we need this barn repaired before we even look at animals. And I know nothing about barn repair."

"I did some google research," Phil said.

"And?"

"You can hire guys at Bunnings, it's a hardware store. Well it seems a bit of everything store. I have a list." Phil showed her the next page on the clipboard. "Figured I'd go in get us some of the paint and other needs and see about contractor services." Phil grinned at the idea of it all. "I'm going to a hardware store."

Melinda rolled her eyes. "I'll keep getting the kitchen set up." She wasn't happy with how everything was organized it seemed inefficient. 

"I put everything away," Phil protested.

"I know." Melinda pat his shoulder. "And I'm going to fix it."

"Fine, I'm off." Phil didn't think, just kissed her cheek and walked out of the barn. Melinda stayed there long after the sound of the truck was gone.

*************************************

She was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit when she heard the truck. She palmed a knife and went to the door just in case. But it really was just Phil. She knew they had likely already been found but they weren't going to be leaving without one hell of a fight. But it didn't seem like the fight was going to be today.

Phil pulled up to the door. "May, I have to tell you about the two most amazing words God and man ever put together.  _Sausage sizzle_." He bounded out of the car and up the porch. "There was a barbecue right at the hardware store!"

Melinda frowned at him. "Phil on weekends in America there is often a hot dog barbecue for like kid's sports teams at hardware stores." She clued into something. "Phil, how long has it been since you've been to a hardware store?" Melinda stared in horror at the back of the cab which was full of bags and boxes.

"I don't know? Probably sometime in high school, for Mom," Phil said. "And this isn't a hot dog. It's a snag."

"A snag?"

"Like a sausage thing on bread. At first I was really dubious, but it was fantastic. I had three," he admitted. He went to the truck and started unloading bags.

Melinda went over and helped. "Your list wasn't this long," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but sales, and just thought of stuff." He brought bags into the empty living room and just dumped them and came back for more. "And look a crate sale on bug spray. I asked a girl how much we needed to get started and then tripled it just to be safe. They have a lot of bugs here, May. A lot and it is best to be prepared."

"Fucking Eagle Scout," she muttered. Everything was in the house and looked like even more than it had in the truck.

Phil stared at it all in horror. "What did I do?"

"Well, you got let loose in an all purpose hardware store, so let's find out." Melinda grabbed a bag at random and started pulling stuff out. "Phil," she said slowly. "This is a lot of frogs." She held up the little guys.

"For the porch, how cute will they be peeking out railings?" Phil said. "Totally sensible purchase."

Melinda put the bag to the side. The next one was all bathroom stuff - a shower caddy, a non slip mat, tooth brush holder and, "Oh thank god a new shower head," she breathed out.

"Four different settings, detachable, stainless steel," Phil was damn proud of himself. "By the way we now have a Bunnings credit card, VIP email and a some other stuff. The girl was really helpful."

"Why do we need 60 different allen keys?" Melinda asked as she poked through another bag. 

"They were on sale," Phil said. "Oh look at this wind chime isn't it cute?"

"Drill, hammer, screwdriver set," Melinda counted off.

"Sale, sale, super clearance sale," Phil rattled back. "Just assume 1/2 of this is because there was a sale."

"You bought everything that was on an end cap display didn't you?" Melinda asked exasperated and fond.

Phil thought about it. "No. But I should have bought that hose organizer. Going to regret that later."

"When are the contractors coming?" Melinda asked. Phil froze and then buried his head in the bags. "Phil?" More silence. "You forgot didn't you?" Melinda looked at the bags and boxes. "The primer paint for all the rooms?"

He looked at her helpless and held up a cutlery holder. "It was 2 dollars."

"Right. Give me the new Bunnings cards. You are not allowed to keep them. I am going back into town and arranging contractors to fix the barn. You will put everything away. Everything," she said firmly. "I don't want to see one bag left out." Melinda walked out to the truck and drove into town.

*******************************************

Phil sat on the porch. There were a half dozen little frog statues on the steps. He thought they looked adorable and the wind chimes were so cheerful. This place was a mess but he already loved it here. This place felt more like home than anywhere he had ever been before. He didn't know if it was the house, his upcoming sheep. Or Melinda. He took a sip of water. He had created a very specific hydration schedule for them so the heat didn't kill them. He thought he saw a spider and sprayed the insect killer he had beside him. He had already done a perimeter spray of the house, using up half a dozen cans.

He heard the truck and smiled happily. His grin grew even more when he saw all the bags in the back. It pulled up in front of him and he waved the dust away.

Phil didn't move other than to lean forward a little. He pushed up his glasses. "So...I trust you were a vision of restraint in the store?"

"Fuck you, Phil," Melinda said. She sat on the porch next to him. "Some men will be out day after tomorrow to look at the barn and a couple of the things around the house."

"Sausage sizzle?"

"The tomato sauce thing is weird," she said. "I only did one." She stared at all the bags that had to be unloaded again. "I actually got everything on the list." Melinda paused, "And your hose organizer. And one or two other things."

Phil nudged her shoulder with hers. "I love that store."

"Just help with the bags," Melinda had planned carefully so she was able to tell him which room to put each bag in. Eventually each room had primer, paint, and the supplies that would be needed. 

Phil also saw a delivery order. "May, what's this?"

"Oh, they had this living room display set up," Melinda explained. "I really liked the floor, so um...we need to rip up that shitty carpet so we can put in my new floor."

Phil looked at her. "We're staying aren't we?"

"What do you mean?" Melinda asked.

"Frogs on the porch, you with a new floor. The barn for horses and sheep. This isn't us using this as a safe house," Phil said. "We're staying. This is home. Our home. We're making a real home, Melinda."

Melinda smiled. "Yeah, I guess we are."

Phil nodded a bit. "Okay then, I'll get the new tool boxes and we'll pull up that carpet. People do their own floors all the time, we've stopped alien invasions. I'm sure the skill sets cross over."

Melinda didn't say anything. She was happy he hadn't noticed the delivery also included new tile for the second bathroom. She had a hunch grouting was going to be harder than expected. But they could figure it out. It was their home, they'd get it all sorted.


	3. Chapter 3

"Phil...why are you getting so many guns ready?" Melinda asked. 

Phil sat at the coffee table and was prepping at least half a dozen weapons. "Contractors were do at 9am. It is 10:15. Clearly HYDRA has found us and will attempt to kill us via impersonating the men or women coming to fix our barn."

Melinda carefully put her tea down. "Phil, that sounds a little paranoid."

"You have a dossier already on that girl at Bunnings that helped me shop. What you think AIM is trying to bring us down with 10% off your total purchase coupons?" 

"No, I know you won't fall for anything less than a 15% off coupon," Melinda said dryly. "Now put the damn guns away."

"But they are late, something must be wrong," Phil protested. He then thought about it. "Oh, their first job could have gone long, that makes more sense. Okay, right. Not on schedule doesn't necessarily mean forces for evil are out to get us."

Melinda sat beside him. "Civilian life is hard."

"How do people do it?" Phil asked. He sat back on the couch. 

"Well, most people haven't done what we have," Melinda said. She looked at the guns. "Do you miss it?"

"Only been a couple weeks really, too soon to miss it," Phil said.

"I missed it, day three with the stapler," she said softly. "Just buried it deep down and ignored the ache."

"Shouldn't I be asking if you miss it then?" 

Melinda looked at the guns and put them in the lock box and back up into the bottom of the sofa. "No," she said. "I don't."

"Promise?" Phil smiled at her.

"Promise." She tilted her head. "Truck is coming."

"Contractors!" Phil said happily and ran to the door. "Melinda, which hat do I wear so I don't look like an idiot?" He peered outside. "But it is only 10am, and I'll be in the barn a fair bit, so I'll be okay. Nevermind." Phil went out onto the porch and Melinda debated following. But she needed to finish grouting that bathroom. Phil really sucked with tile. They had realized yesterday that she was brilliant with laying stuff, and he was a perfect painter. It was a fair division of labour. She went back to the bathroom to work on the next wall of the shower.

"Hi," Phil said as three men got out of the truck. "I'm Phil."

"Hey, Phil," the man who had been driving said. "I'm Kelly. Here you have a barn that needs some work?"

"Yeah," Phil gestured and they walked over. "Your first job took longer than expected?" He asked casually.

"Na, mate, you are our first today," one of the other guys said. 

"But -" Phil cut himself off. He didn't understand, but he wanted the barn done and if they were employed by the large company they had to be decent at the job. "So we need the barn to have a roof that is you know, a roof." 

The three guys started walking around and shouting to each other a little bit. Phil couldn't follow the conversation at all. He pulled out his phone and subtly recorded it and input it into an old SHIELD translator program that insisted it was English. Maybe there was an Australian slang dictionary out there. Or Urban Dictionary? But Melinda had put a child safety lock onto that web page after the 8th time he had said "Hey have you heard the phrase -" He had yet to figure out the password.

Phil looked up and they were all on the roof. The ladder didn't look quite properly secured but when the one guy whistled and waved, Phil climbed up. "Yes?"

"Be cheaper mate, to knock the whole thing down and start over," Kelly said.

"Will it be quicker too?" Phil asked.

The man shrugged. "Can't talk quick with jobs like this."

"Yes, we can," Phil said. "We can talk about numbers and punctuality and getting this job done as quickly as possible."

One of the other guys was confused. "We weren't late."

"The appointment was for 9," Phil said. "We are out of town enough that some delay makes sense but it was an hour."

The three just looked at him. He looked back. "Punctuality means a fifteen minute window," Phil said slowly.

They just looked at him again, and then laughed. "Right mate, love you retired American military blokes," Kelly said.

Phil got tense. "What makes you think that?"

"Base over that way, get more of you than other places," Kelly said easily. "Look, either way this will be a few weeks."

"No, faster," Phil insisted.

"What's the rush?" One of the guys asked.

Phil gave the man his most fierce Director of Shield glare, "I have my reasons and they require two horses being in here as quickly as possible."

"Yeah, you look like the riding sort," Kelly snorted a little.

Melinda came out of the house, stood on the porch and casually flung the garden snake across the way and then stomped back in the house.

"Shit," Kelly said. 

"She wants horses, she will have horses," Phil told them.

All three men nodded. "Ah, fucked up with the missus, trying to make it right. You should have said that from the get go," Kelly said.

"She's not 'the missus'," Phil said the words clearly in air quotes.

"No imagine you don't call a girl like her the missus, but still, we'll help you get square." They all went back to the ground and Kelly and Phil talked numbers. Soon enough their was a handshake and a promise to start the job in three days - first thing. Phil smiled and waved them away. He went in the house and immediately went to the computer.

"Problem?" Melinda asked, cleaning grout from her hands.

"No. Finding an Australian to American English dictionary. I understood one word in five, at best. Also, looking up punctuality etiquette for the area," Phil smiled when Melinda handed him a glass of water. "Your snake throwing impressed them."

"Living the dream," Melinda said. She finished her water. "Come on, more real work to do." She dragged him to her bedroom and pointed. "Prime the walls."

"You can't sleep in here with the fumes," Phil said as he opened the can. 

"I am aware, Phil. I'll sleep on the couch," she said.

"Nah, just crash in my bed, it's a queen. Not like we haven't shared before." Phil grabbed the roller and began to put the primer up over a terrifying pea vomit green colour. Melinda was quiet. "Problem?" he asked.

"You kick in your sleep," Melinda said finally.

"So kick back." Phil grinned at her. "I like the purple you picked."

"It isn't purple, it's Pale Thistle," Melinda said. "And it is better than your boring white."

"January frost," Phil said. "It is an off white. It will go well with the art I ordered."

"Do I want to know?"

"I'll keep it a surprise," Phil said. He worked on the wall a little. "So any idea how to buy animals? I bought Simmons lab mice, and when I was a kid I woke up to a dog on my 6th birthday. But that's about all I have experience wise on that."

"More than me," Melinda said. It was hypnotic to watch Phil prime her walls. "Animal auction, call farm vets?"

"There are farm veterans?" Phil stared at her dumbfounded.

Melinda hung her head.

"Vet like doctor, right. Let's blame the primer fumes shall we?" Phil said. He went to work on the next wall. "Go play in your bathroom."

Melinda left him be. She was almost done the shower anyways.

****************************************

Melinda crawled into the bed and kept as much space between her and Phil as she could. He didn't pay attention at all wrapped up in his book. He acted like he hadn't even noticed her come into the room. She flicked his book.

Phil didn't say anything to her just reached over to his night stand and dropped a different book onto her chest. 

Melinda looked at the cover. "I've always meant to read this," she said stunned.

"I know," Phil turned another page in his book.

"How?" Melinda couldn't remember ever mentioning it. In all their conversations she didn't ever really remember them talking about books a lot.

"You mentioned it to Bobbi one day when I was walking by." Phil looked at her, like a mention a few years that hadn't been meant for him was no big deal to remember. "Picked it up for you." He adjusted his glasses and went back to his book.

Melinda settled into the pillows, which she realized were hers from her room. She got ten pages in. "Oh my god, they are such fucking morons. Who reads this crap?" She threw the book over the side of the bed.

Phil reached back to his table and grabbed another book. "And one I think you'll actually like."

Melinda glared at him and started to read. She hated that he was right and she was immediately hooked. She read and read not noticing when Phil got up and didn't even realize the room had gotten dark until her eyes got blurry at page 200. She blinked and her eyes watered in relief. Melinda heard a snore and looked beside her. Phil was sleeping, snoring surprisingly loudly and his hand was glowing.

Melinda realized she had been reading by light of his hand and her small lamp for the last 30 or 40 minutes. She put her book down and turned out the lamp. The hand had the glow of its wiring casting a small warm light in the bed. She didn't know how to turn it off, but curled it closer to Phil. He rolled over and stuffed his hand under the pillow.

"Knew you'd like it," he slurred mostly asleep.

"You know me fairly well," Melinda agreed.

"Member everything about you," he said. "Night, Melly Mine."

"Good night, Phil." Melinda rolled away from him and took a long time to fall asleep.

*************************************************

When the construction crew arrived at 9:45 for their 9:00 start and Kelly said, "See, doing you up good for your lady." Phil smiled, pleased he was bonding with people.

He was less pleased four nights later when Melinda moved back into her perfectly painted room, though he couldn't fully say why. He set about learning everything there was about Australian horses and sheep, caring for them, and where to purchase them. He stuck with the January Frost for his walls but there was some extra of Melinda's Pale Thistle left over and he hated waste, so he painted all the trim with it. The colours worked quite well together on his walls.

Two weeks later, their barn was done, and Kelly told Phil they expected to see him at the bar soon and one of the crewmen gave Phil a few tips on where to buy livestock. It seemed they were settling in well.

They would ignore how Phil had shot the garden snake when it returned into the house.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Phil looked at the barn. It was well stocked according to what wikipedia and several animal webpages said horse and sheep would need. There was hay and feed and equipment and it looked like a barn from a movie. He saw a streak go by and flinched but made sure not to shoot. Bobbi had clearly seen something and went on the hunt.

The webpages all suggested a barn cat, and to make sure you actually got a barn cat. You couldn't just drop a regular cat in the barn. The guy who sold the cat to Phil had sworn Killer was the best. Phil hated the name but the cat was really good at its job and really stupid tall for a cat, so Bobbi was clearly the better choice. 

There was also a case of insect spray on a shelf. He left as he saw Bobbi dragging something with its mouth. He decided to not look too closely. Phil went back into the house and smiled. Melinda was in the living room with its new floors and soft blue walls doing her tai chi. He went to the kitchen and grabbed his coffee and came back and watched her.

"You should be working out too, you are getting soft," Melinda said and flowed through her movements.

Phil poked his stomach. "No, think I have another 3 weeks before I go soft."

"You could run," Melinda suggested. "We have the space."

"And there are things in that space - that can kill us. I have shown you the charts."

"Treadmill?"

"They are ugly and where would we put it?" Phil asked. "It would ruin how pretty our house is looking."

Melinda smiled a little. "Our house is pretty isn't it?"

"It is." Phil shrugged. "And you are staying in shape for both of us. And I've practiced on the range you set up out back."

"I know." Melinda finished up. "How's Killer settled into the barn?"

"Bobbi has 3 confirmed kills so far, not sure of what, didn't think it polite to ask," Phil smiled.

"She ever finds out you named a barn cat after her, she's going to kill you."

"How's she going to find out Melinda?" Phil asked. "You been making contact I don't know about? Bored with me already after only 7 weeks?"

Melinda rolled her eyes. "It's been 9 weeks. And go buy your sheep."

Phil stood up. "Want to come?"

"No, sheep is all on you. I've got some work to do around here yet."

Phil nodded and went and got his wallet. Again he automatically kissed her cheek before leaving. Melinda had stopped trying to figure it out. She had a work out room to get together and luckily she had convinced a couple of the contractors to come help her do it.

************************************************

Phil drove. He was trying to get into local music but two songs of Midnight Oil's work and he was done. He switched the station and found generic classic rock, that would work fine. He tapped on the wheel as he drove through town. Oh crap, Bunnings had a clearance table out front. He wouldn't stop and prove Melinda right about that particular obsession. Twenty minutes later he was damn proud he left with only 2 regular sized bags. He was getting better. He whistled along as he drove to the other side of town and a bit past. He ended up a house that didn't look too different from theirs.

He had the ad printed out from the Kangaroo classifieds. It was perfect 3 sheep for sale, 250 bucks a pop. Phil knocked on the door and a woman greeted him. He took off the sunglasses. "Hi, I'm here about the sheep? Phil Coulson, we spoke a few days ago." Phil smiled. It was satisfying to use his name. They had debated fake names, but in the end anyone who would want to find them would find them.

She smiled at him. "You are freckling. Need to wear more sunblock."

"I know, but I keep forgetting to reapply," Phil said. "I always remember my hat though." She just pointed at his bare head. "Okay, I'm working on it. So sheep, can I meet them? What are their names, are they friendly?"

"They're sheep," she said. "Have you ever had livestock before?"

"Close enough," he offered. Hunter definitely qualified.

She took him to the pen and pointed out three sheep. Phil did his best not to squeal and act calm. But they were so cute and fluffy and he wanted to pet them and hug them. "They suit you?" she asked.

Phil nodded. "Can I touch?"

She nodded and they went into the pen and Phil touched his sheep. Oh it was soft and the sheep didn't attack. He had vaguely read about sheep related death - Melinda had kindly emailed an article. "You won't try to kill me will you sweetie? Oh no, you are beautiful and we are going to have a lovely time."

"You know how to shear?" she asked.

"Oh god no, I'll hire a professional," he said swiftly. "I mostly just want something to take care of."

"You seem like a dog man, not a sheep one."

"Well, have to fill those retired hours somehow," Phil smiled. "We have a deal?"

"We do, plus 30 days and you can return them and I'll give you back half your money," she offered figuring he was going to need that escape clause.

"I'll be fine," Phil said. "Now you'll drop them off say tomorrow? Still trying to find a good animal trailer." He pulled out his wallet and handed over several hundred dollars. "Also, I haven't had much luck, do you know anyone who is selling horses?"

"Yeah but he's a cranky bastard, hates Americans," she warned. "And he won't sell his horses to...well someone like you who knows fuck all about animals."

"I have done a lot of research, why don't you let me impress him?" Phil asked.

"Your funeral, mate," she said and gave him an address.

Phil said thanks and looked longingly at his sheep one more time. Soon enough they would be at home and he could play with them all he wanted. First though, he had to make Melinda happy too. He followed the directions he was given and drove an hour north. He pulled up to a house that had a million beware of dogs, no solicitation, no humans allowed signs. He was pretty sure the human skull was fake, less sure on the animal ones. He pressed the intercom. "Hello? Mary Jones sent me? I'm looking to buy a couple horses."

"Fuck off you -" Phil didn't understand the curses that came flying through the intercom. His Australian slang was improving but not that fast. He had sent a message to the Rosetta Stone people that they needed to consider it a separate language and put out programs, but there had been no reply. He started to time it as the man kept going. 3 minutes of cursing - not bad. 

"So can I buy a couple of horses?" Phil asked when the man wound down. That lead to another 4 minutes of shouting. "So can I buy a couple of horses?" Phil repeated. They kept the pattern up for an hour. 

Eventually though an ancient man came through a door beside the big gate with a shot gun. Phil poked his head out the window. "Buck shot doesn't scare me, sir."

The man moved closer. "You get off my land."

"I have cash," Phil said.

"Really, enough cash to buy horses?" the man asked. The gun lowered just a little. Phil pulled an envelope out of the glove box, it was thick. The dropped was dropped on the man's shoulder. "Right then, come on in." The man went back in through the door and opened the gate and Phil drove through. Phil parked. The house was a horrific mess but when he looked over he saw that the barn was pristine. It was clear where the man's priorities lay. He got out of the car and wished he had a hat, he needed to leave one or two in the car. The difference just an hour could make in terms of heat and sunshine was still killing him.

They walked over to the barn. "What do you know about horses?"

"What I've researched," Phil said. "I'm sure you'll be able to fleece me quite thoroughly though should we make a deal."

"I was planning to," the man said. "I can perhaps spare a few, what are you looking for?"

"Two horses for beginner or casual riders," Phil said. "I guess gentle...with spirit."

"You read Black Beauty and counted it as research didn't you?" the man sighed. "Fucking yanks."

Phil walked around the barn and the horses were clearly well loved and cared for, but none screamed that they belonged with Melinda May. They had to be extraordinary to be hers. They had to match her. "I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the right match?"

"The horses ain't for you?" The man looked at Phil. "Tell me about who they are for."

"Melinda," Phil said. He started to talk and rambled about her, not sure what he was supposed to say, just letting the words roll off her tongue. He would have gone on for a while but the guy aimed his gun again.

"I got it, I got it!" he said. "Save me from people in love."

"I'm sorry," Phil said a bit lost.

The man started walking, out the back of the barn. There were 5 more horses out there. And of them two were standing to the side a bit together. A chestnut colour with a white nose, and one that was almost all white. "There."

"How much?" Phil asked. They had to be Melinda's, he didn't care about the cost.

"Five thousand," the man said.

"There is sixty-five hundred in the envelope," Phil offered, "if you can deliver them today."

"Done, now go away."

Phil nodded and didn't even try to shake the man's hand. He really hoped he wasn't going to be ripped off. He drove home and was surprised to see the contractor's truck in the driveway. He grabbed the Bunnings bags and hid them in the front closet. He had learned it was better to put the stuff away and pretend like it had always been there. "May?" he called out.

"Spare room," she called back.

Phil went back and saw Kellly on a small step stool, finishing attaching a mirror to the one wall. He stared at the room in surprise. "May?"

"You needed a work out space, we still have two more unused rooms," Melinda said. She grabbed a towel and wiped some sweat off. Hanging the punching bag had taken more work than expected. "You like retro," she said.

Phil looked at the replica war time posters for buying war bonds, and the floor which looked like ancient slats. There was the bag and free weights and a few other things. It was great. "You did this for me?" he asked.

Melinda shrugged. "I'll use it too," she dismissed.

"Not exactly your style, May," he pointed out.

Kelly and his worker just rolled their eyes at each other. No one understood what was going on with these two.

"Just say thank you," Melinda said.

"Thank you," Phil said. He went over and nudged the punching bag. He grunted when it swayed. Melinda grinned and him and went around and held it and planted her feet. Phil went to the wall and grabbed the fingerless gloves and put them on. He threw a few proper punches and grinned at Melinda.

"Hey, have they forgotten we're here?" the guy asked.

Kelly looked at them. "Yup, we should get out of here. I think this is a weird American mating ritual. Who can understand these people?" They packed up their equipment and left.

Two hours later they were both drenched with sweat and highly satisfied. They heard a truck. Melinda smiled, "Your sheep are here."

Phil grinned back, "No, your horses are. Looks like you aren't the only one with a surprise at hand today."

Melinda wasn't so undignified to run out front, but she did move quickly.

She watched the man unload the horses and put them in the corral. Melinda spoke to the man about the horses for a while before he drove off. Melinda stood in the fenced area and stared at her horses until one came and nudged her. She stroked his neck carefully.

Phil watched from the porch for a while and then left her be. It was her moment. He had Bunnings purchases to hide anyways.

That night they were drinking a beer on the porch after Melinda had the horses bedded down for the night. Phil really liked the stars they could see. They were much nicer on here on Earth than they were when you were among them.

"Thank you, Phil," Melinda said quietly.

"Anything for you," he answered easily, honestly.

Melinda nodded and leaned against him just a little. It was the same reason she had put together that home gym she knew he'd love.

"We're just about set," Phil said. "My sheep and some art, and a few other small repairs and our home is perfect. We'll have to invite people over for a barbecue."

"What people, Phil? The girl who keeps selling you more stuff at Bunnings? Kelly and his crew?" Melinda asked. "That whole low profile thing means we haven't exactly bonded yet with the locals."

"We should," Phil said. "We should make friends."

"We have each other. I'm good," Melinda said.

Phil felt his heart warm at that. "Yeah, we're pretty good as is."

They sat in silence and finished their beers, watching the stars.


	5. Chapter 5

"May, you have to see this photo, Clint did the cutest thing," Phil came running into the kitchen.

Melinda tightened her grip on the knife and then loosened it. "You mean you putting your hat on the sheep?" She pointed where she could see out the kitchen window to the pen where Phil had been playing with his sheep. Phil, to put it subtly, had lost his shit when his sheep had arrived and had spent most of his time outside with them for the last three days. He was smelly and filthy, and really happy.

Annoyingly happy.

New parent on facebook happy.

She was much more dignified about her horses. She kept her few hundred photos that she had taken to herself. She also treated her horses respectfully, and with kindness. She didn't do whatever it was that Phil was doing with the sheep.

"It's not just the hat, it's that he tried to lick it off," Phil said. He pushed his phone into Melinda's face. Melinda's grip on the knife changed and it was almost at his throat before she pulled it back. "Oh fine," Phil said. "You don't appreciate Clint. He's a hoot." Phil's look darkened. "Unlike him."

Melinda bit her lip. "Your sheep isn't evil, Phil."

"Look at him standing so far away from Clint and Natasha, staring at us. He is plotting something, Melly mine, I know it."

Melinda didn't comment on the pet name that Phil used whenever distracted. "It's a sheep."

"I'm telling you that sheep has mental health issues," Phil said. "I'm going back out to Clint and Natasha, they need their afternoon combing."

"No, they don't," she said.

"Watch it, or I comment about the fact that you slept in the barn with the horses the first night." 

They stared each other down. "Have fun. Try not to let Stark bite you," she said.

"I shouldn't have named him after Tony, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. But I just knew that one would be a pain in my ass."

"The man or the sheep?" Melinda asked.

"What's the difference, they both have made my life hell at some point." Phil stormed outside and went to play with Clint and Natasha. She watched as Stark came over and stole the hat off of Clint's head and ran away. She started to laugh when Phil had to chase the sheep to get it back. She could hear Phil's curses inside when he put the hat back on to realize it was covered in a great deal of Stark sheep spit.

She put the pasta salad in the fridge and decided to go see how Reliance and Nightshade were doing. Melinda at least named her animals after her favourite ops, not her favourite coworkers, much more civilized.

After dinner they were sitting in the living room and Phil looked outside. "They are okay right?"

"Yes Phil, the livestock are fine in the barn you spent 10,000 dollars repairing and making perfect." Melinda gave him a look. "All the animals are fine. You are a responsible owner."

"Thanks," he said. It was clear he was forcing himself to stay put.

"Go take one more look and then I found a movie I think we'll like." Melinda settled into the couch with her book and a glass of wine. Phil had been right, she loved the book and was already on the third in the series. She couldn't remember when she last had the time to read this much. She liked it.

Phil came back in, limping a little. "Stark stepped on my foot."

"He really doesn't like you."

Phil collapsed on the couch and put his head in Melinda's lap. She automatically started stroking his thinning hair. "Natasha at least bleated at him. They love me. And your horses acknowledge me. I bring them apples."

"You spoil them."

"Like I haven't noticed the carrots and sugar cubes." Phil looked up at Melinda. "We should have named them all after the kids."

"I wasn't naming my horses Fitz and Simmons like you wanted."

"They're exactly like them though!"

"Why didn't you name a sheep Daisy then?" she asked. "Why the old team?"

Phil was quiet. Melinda could wait and held her book with one hand and stroked his hair with the other, occasionally scratching behind his ear like he was a puppy. They never talked about the easy touching they had fallen into, the way they invaded each other's space and it didn't bother them. But Phil had always been a hugger and now she was his only outlet. And it seemed she was becoming a hugger too.

"It would make me miss them too much," Phil admitted. "Bobbi was gone so that worked for the cat, and Clint and Natasha I had to let go of a long time ago. But the new kids? Would have made me sad."

"Same for me, Phil." Melinda put her book down. "I was never as...close as you to them, but that doesn't mean they didn't feel like my kids too."

"Think they are okay?" 

"Come on, Phil. If things had gone to shit, someone would have knocked on our door by now."

"They don't know where we are," Phil answered back.

"Please," she snorted a little. "They probably know everything you have spent at Bunnings."

"I haven't been in 3 days," Phil huffed.

"Waiting for the weekend for the sizzle?"

"Shut up." Phil glanced at the t.v. "What movie did you decide we were watching?" Phil never picked the movie always happy to let Melinda's choice rule.

"I found a movie about sheep in New Zealand, that I think you will like." Melinda grabbed the remote and pulled it up on the screen.

Phil sat up and stole the last of her wine. "Really? Awesome." He eagerly settled in. 40 minutes into Black Sheep he was watching with his eyes mostly covered. "I hate you so much."

Melinda watched the movie with glee. "Maybe that's the problem with Stark - he's a were sheep from genetic experiments." She looked at Phil who was hiding his eyes. "Do you think if Stark bites you, you'll become a sheep?"

"Shut up!" Phil looked at his screen and then covered his eyes again. "Tell me when they are out of the pit." Melinda waited and told him when it was safe to look again. At the end of the movie, Phil stormed out of the house and checked on his sheep. Melinda wondered if maybe the movie had been a little much. He stomped back in. "No marks on them. And they don't look like the same breed in the movie. It's fine. It's all okay. And I hate you." He went to his room and slammed the door.

Melinda put her glass away and turned out the lights and went to her bedroom. At 1am when Phil crawled into her bed, she didn't say a word, just gave him an extra pillow to cuddle. She was feeling a little guilty. The guy really didn't handle horror movies well, even comedic ones. She should have remembered from the Shaun of the Dead debacle.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Hate you," he muttered.

They both heard a noise and went into his alert. They both grabbed guns and did a sweep of the house and when they looked outside they realized that Stark had broken out of the barn and was in the pen, alone. And staring at them.

"He's evvvvvvvvvil," Phil hissed. "Melinda, that sheep is evil."

"He's a sheep, Phil. They aren't evil." Melinda wouldn't admit that it was a little creepy how the sheep was just kind of looking at them. "But we should get inside, it's late."

"See, you are freaked out too," Phil said smugly.

"I am not freaked out by your idiot sheep."

"Evil mastermind sheep. We're going to wake up dead because of him," Phil warned. They went back to Melinda's room and put the guns away. They crawled into the bed, Phil still rambling about the ways that Stark was plotting to kill them. Melinda kissed Phil's head and he shut up abruptly.

"We have some extra wood and other things. We can reinforce that area of the barn tomorrow. Now get some sleep." Melinda rolled over and snuggled in. She was really surprised when Phil listened.

The next morning she went for her dawn ride like she had each morning since Phil brought her horses and they had breakfast and fixed the barn. Stark was perfectly nice to her and perfectly horrid to Phil.

"Divide and conquer," Phil muttered darkly. Clint and Natasha nuzzled his legs and he fed them treats. Stark's treats had to be thrown across the pen when Melinda had to admit it did look like the sheep was giving Phil the evil eye.

"Maybe he's just jealous of how you love Clint and Natasha," Melinda suggested. "You should love all your children equally, Phil."

Melinda ran as Phil chased her around the pen, the sheep decided it was a game and began running around too. Phil caught Melinda and swung her around. Her shoe flew off and Stark ran over and stole it and started to try to eat it. Phil carried Melinda back to the house and put her down carefully on the porch.

"I will rescue your shoe, my dear lady," Phil said solemnly and gave her a bow. Melinda watched him go face off against Stark. He came back with her shoe and a missing bite of shirt. "He didn't get me, but you know what to do if I turn into an evil sheep overnight."

"Slaughter you and eat the steaks," Melinda said immediately.

"No!" Phil glared at her. "I would be the toughest meat ever, like stringy and would give you indigestion. You are supposed to cure me."

"Oh, yes right. I'll remember that." Melinda took her shoe and went into the house. Stark had eaten most of the laces and covered it in a great deal of spit. That sheep was definitely trouble.

******************************************

Phil woke up abruptly. There was someone in their house. He looked at the clock and the warm sunlight just starting to stream in. Melinda would be out on her ride. And...he just knew what the house felt like with her in it. This wasn't her. But he also could just feel that it wasn't a threat. He got dressed and grabbed a gun, just in case he was wrong and walked cautiously through the house.

Fury was sitting at their kitchen table and eating Cheerios and reading something on his tablet. There was a bag at his feet. 

Phil got himself coffee and the healthy granola cereal that Melinda insisted he eat. The honey nut cheerios were a weekend treat. He sat across from Nick, like it was no big deal that his friend and former boss that he hadn't seen or heard from in almost five years just showed up at their house out of nowhere. The two men ate their cereal in silence. Phil refilled their coffee cups and started the kettle for Melinda's tea, she'd been in soon.

Melinda didn't even pause when she walked in and saw Nick Fury at her table. She got the tea that Phil had prepped and sat down with her bowl of cereal. Phil automatically cut banana pieces into it for her.

Nick finished up his coffee and put his dishes in the sink. He took his bag and disappeared down the hall.

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out five bucks and handed it to Melinda. "Fine. You were right that he'd be the first to show up."

Melinda smiled and put the money in her own pocket.

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Phil," Nick said, sitting on the fence.

"Nick," Phil replied and climbed up beside him. Nick had been there three days and that was the first word he had spoken. He ate with them but otherwise mostly stayed in the room he had taken over. Phil and Melinda had discussed it while cleaning the barn and decided it was best to leave the man alone until he was ready to talk.

"I think you and I need to have an important talk," Nick stared into the pen where the sheep were drinking water.

"Probably more than one," Phil agreed. "Look about us disappearing -"

"Do I look like I give a fuck about that right now?" 

Phil could feel Nick's glare through the man's sunglasses. "Okay then you want to talk about the Framework."

"Nope."

"Hive."

"Nu-uh."

"HYDRA?" Phil was getting perplexed. Nick shook his head. "That poker game in 1992?" He could feel Nick rolling his eye. "Then what?"

"I think your one sheep there is evil," Nick said seriously. "Alien parasite in him?"

Phil looked over at Stark who was in the corner away from Natasha and Clint and just staring at them. "I just assumed he had extra of the evil gene."

"Thought we disproved that?" Nick asked.

"Not in sheep," Phil said darkly. Clint came over and bleated up at Phil. Phil lowered himself into the area and gave him a hug. "See? Nice sheep." He then pointed at the other side where Stark was trying to break out of the fence. "Evil sheep."

Nick nodded and pulled a syringe out of his pants. "Telling you alien in disguise and blood sample will prove it." Nick looked at Phil. "But we'll need to corner him."

"Helsinki positioning?" Phil asked and let his training sink over him like a blanket.

"No, that sheep is too smart for that," Nick said and dropped into the pen. "Bangkok."

Phil nodded and the two men advanced on the sheep.

*************************************************

Melinda just stared at them. "What the hell?" she finally managed to ask.

"So, Stark sheep really doesn't like being cornered," Phil said. He tried to open the porch door but Melinda had locked it. "Hey!"

"You are covered in dirt and sheep shit, why am I letting you in my clean house?" Melinda asked. She glared at Nick. "And where are you pants? You went out there in sweat pants?" She stared at Nick's legs. His boxers had the avengers on them. Melinda wouldn't find it cute. Nothing about Fury was ever cute.

"Stark sheep," Nick said in the voice he had used to use for alien invasions.

"Sheep don't eat clothes, they aren't goats," Melinda said patiently. "And Phil, if you try to jimmy that lock, I will shoot you where you stand."

Phil let go of the handle that he had been trying to force open. "Melinda, I smell."

"I am fully aware of this," she said. "And again they don't eat clothes."

"That devil animal isn't eating them so much as stole them as a trophy and is currently using them as pillow," Nick said. "And let me in that house so I can get a gun and kill that mother fucking evil alien and save the planet."

"You aren't shooting my evil baby!" Phil shouted.

"Baby?" Melinda and Nick said at the same time. Melinda fond, Nick incredulous.

"Shut up," Phil crossed his arms. "I love that stupid evil sheep okay?"

"Well, I maintain he is evil because you haven't given him as much love as Clint and Natasha. He's acting out because he needs your love too, Phil." Melinda looked at them. "You are so disgusting."

"I need pants, May!" Nick shouted.

"No." Melinda pointed. "Around over there, both of you strip down. All the way." She slammed and locked the main door.

Phil started walking.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Nick asked.

"To where she said?" Phil looked at Nick. "You want to piss her off more?"

"It's your house too, asshole. Why aren't you just going in and getting me pants?!" Nick was frustrated as hell now.

"Well, I honestly don't want to track all this crap in either," Phil said. "I just did the floors."

"Fucking domestic bullshit," Nick muttered. "See a proper retirement is living on the run, in crap holes and fighting evil on the side." He followed Phil around the side. "Oh no, I am not doing this." He glared at the outside hose.

"You don't May won't make Friday night dessert." Phil was stripping down. "And I want that. She's been experimenting with pie. I want the pie Nick. So get fucking naked." Phil was down to underwear and socks and pulled them off.

Nick stripped down too. "She sees my dick, she'll be ruined for yours," he muttered. "Never want to cuddle you again."

Phil frowned at him. "Nick, Melinda and I aren't having sex."

"Sure, Phil," Nick winked at him and finished getting his clothes off. "Where's the goddamn soap?"

"Nick. We aren't together," Phil said staring at his friend. He could hear Melinda's steps but was too distracted to cover anything up. "We are just friends who retired together."

Nick stared at Phil. "Did that fucking sheep kick you in the head? What the fuck do you mean you ain't fu -" His words were cut off when a bucket of soapy water hit his face. 

The second hit Phil.

Melinda dropped the buckets and threw a couple bars of soap at their feet and wrenched the hose on. "Boys, brace yourself," and shot at them with the cold water. Phil and Nick swore and quickly scrubbed down as she kept spraying them. They could hear her laughing and started swearing at her, which just made her laugh more. She also absolutely took a picture of their bare asses and sent it to Maria Hill, and a couple other people she knew would enjoy it. She finally turned the water off and tossed them the big fluffy towels she had brought out. "Now you can come in. Irish coffee will be ready in 10."

"See?" Phil said. "Do what she wants and you get a treat."

"Dumbass that treat should be horizontal and licking your spic and span body." Nick shook his head. "Fucking idiots." He stalked into the house and put on clothes. When he went back to the kitchen he watched Melinda rub a towel over Phil's head and then boop his nose before getting him his coffee. "Fucking fucking idiots," Nick muttered and sat at the table and glared until he got his coffee too.

*************************************

Three nights later, Phil and Nick were outside grilling some burgers. They were on their fourth beer and both feeling very pleased with the world.

"I was tired," Nick said finally.

"You've slept well here. We have good mattresses." Phil thought about flipping a burger and decided to give it another minute.

"No," Nick shook his head. "I was tired of not being a part of anything. Retirement sucks."

"Retirement is great," Phil countered. He smiled over at the barn and his sheep. Well two got smiles and the third got an 'I'm keeping my eye on you' look. The horses were also out and grazing and the sky was clear and Phil had remembered to wear his hat. He could hear Melinda humming as she got sides and dishes ready. "Retirement is the best."

"Yeah, well not all of us were smart enough to retire with the loves of our lives right next to us," Nick drawled out. He finished his beer and thought he shouldn't have another. He cracked one open. 

"Nick," Phil said patiently. "We aren't like that. It's just me and Melinda, what we've always been."

"In love," Nick agreed.

"No!" Phil flipped the burgers. "We're just us. Friends, former partners. People who are used to each other."

"And have died and come back to life for each other," Nick said. "You think I haven't read all the reports?" Nick stared out at their farm. "You two are a set."

Phil just shrugged.

"Goddamn fools," Nick muttered.

"So were you sent to check on us?" Phil asked.

"Yes and no," Nick answered. He took a sip of beer. "Would have come on my own. But your kid was worried about you."

"How's she doing?" Phil asked. He tore at the label on the bottle.

"Head's above water. She knows when to ask for help," Nick said. "She misses having you guys to lean on though."

Phil nodded. "Not going back, if that is why you are here." He moved the burgers up to the rack and threw a couple more on. "We're settled in for the long haul."

"Came to talk to you about consulting," Nick admitted. "Knew the second I stepped in the house that weren't happening."

"Good. Melly mine's nightmares have been decreasing and I don't pull a gun at everything that goes bump in the night. And we like it like that. She's read 10 books, and I almost have the local dialect figured out enough to go meet our contractor at the bar."

"Do you even hear it when you call her Melly mine?" Nick asked.

"I call her what?" Phil said in shock. He only thought that name in his head when he was very tired or very happy. He never said it out loud.

"You've called her that now 6 times that I've heard," Nick grinned a little. "God you are so sunk and you don't even see it. Shit, almost wish I could stay and watch it all play out."

Phil put some cheese on the patties he flipped. "Nothing to play out."

"Sure you keep saying that," Nick held his beer up in salute.

"You know, you don't have to be alone," Phil offered, changing the subject.

"I ain't staying here, too hot."

"No, but you could go home," Phil said kindly. 

"What home?" Nick squinted a bit.

"SHIELD. You said Daisy could use someone to lean on. You used to be good for me to lean on." Phil put the burgers on a plate. "Nothing says you can't retire and not work a bit."

"The word retirement means not work," Nick pointed out.

"Not work work, you do the consulting you came here to ask me about. The kids could use your eye, I bet," Phil said. They walked into the house. "May, tell Nick to go back to SHIELD."

"Nick, go back to SHIELD," Melinda agreed immediately.

"You two are annoying."

"Only because we're right," Phil said. He started to build his burger. He went to get a beer and Melinda slapped his hand and gave him water. "Four is your limit."

Nick watched as Phil kissed her cheek and took the water. He shook his head. They had been his best and brightest he had thought. Turned out super wrong on that one. They were goddamn morons. But Phil could grill a mean burger. Nick ate and the three talked about silly things.

*******************************************

Nick had his bag packed and Melinda was going to drive him into town. He said bye to Phil who hugged him tight. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be back. Even if just to save you from that sheep."

"Damn right you will," Phil agreed.

Melinda hustled Nick into the car, knowing the men would hate to get too sentimental. They rode together in happy silence. At the airport Melinda drove up to the drop off area and Nick hopped out of the car. "May?"

"Yeah, Nick?"

"You break his heart, you won't see the bullet coming." Nick tipped his glasses down and gave her his deadliest look. "Get you two sorted out and invite me to the wedding."

Melinda just put the car in gear and drove off, hoping she had run over his foot.

********************************************

A week later an email had been sent out to various people in the Avengers and at SHIELD

It read almost like a review on expedia complete with photos.

**Coulson-May Bed and Breakfast Now Open for Business**

_They run a tight ship, clean towels every day, breakfast was mostly cereals and toasts, but pancakes were made once. Lunch is take care of yourself, but dinner is regularly provided. Tons of space, horses to ride, sheep to pet (avoid Stark sheep, that one is evil). Away from town, but not too far a drive if you want some nightlife._

_Free wifi, though the connection can be slow._

_Movies readily on hand, growing collection of books._

_The couple who run it are personal idiots, but will treat you well._

_Facility is very secure and you can just drop on in when you need a few days to decompress from the job._

_10/10 would stay again_.

There were photos of the spare room, living room, kitchen, the porch with Phil's frogs, Melinda cooking in the kitchen, Phil with his sheep. 

It looked like a very idyllic spot for heroes to take a bit of a rest.

About 40 people got the email.

Phil and Melinda were not among them.

************************************************

"Okay, Melinda, cover me," Phil said and stepped into the pen.

"Sure, you are covered," Melinda called from the porch. She didn't look up from her book.

Phil walked over slowly and crouched. He hugged Stark sheep and the sheep didn't try to eat him. "You were right Melly mine, he just needed some love." 

Melinda waited.

"Son of a bitch!" Phil shouted as the sheep knocked Phil over right into a fresh pile of poop and then stepped on and over Phil's stomach.

"I'll go get the soap," Melinda said.

Phil sighed and went over to the back hose and started stripping.


	7. Chapter 7

Phil and Melinda sat in the truck and started at the building. "Exits," May said.

"Front door, rear door, in a pinch any of the windows," Phil said. "Room is long, crowded but movable. Todd's Tavern has the occasional problem but is not 'that' bar." Phil nodded, "Extraction will be easy if it becomes necessary."

"Mark," Melinda continued.

"Kelly and his crew. 4 people, all met before." Phil nodded. "Kelly is friendly and has toned down the slang just a little so that I can understand 1 word in 2 instead of 6. Georgie remains almost completely incomprehensible. Will avoid speaking too much to him in case I cause a diplomatic incident." Phil looked at the bar. "Hey that's my Bunning's girl."

Melinda felt her hands tighten on the wheel of the truck. "Parameters."

"Have a couple beers, make friends so that I can have play dates and get out of your hair once every two weeks."

"And why do we need to get you out of my hair?"

Phil smiled sweetly at her. "Because I messed with your cast iron skillet and you have gotten very territorial over the kitchen. Which I can cook too you know," Phil muttered. "Also I apparently need more human interaction than you do to not get 'weird'."

"Phil you are in a feud with a sheep. Meeting some guys for a beer will be good for you."

"We aren't feuding. We just...look there is some bad blood on both sides," Phil said. He sighed. "Okay, yes, you are right. I like people. I'm a people person."

"I am aware," Melinda said. "Now then goals."

"Socialize, have a maximum of four beers while you do some shopping and then go to a movie. I have 4 hours in which to make friends but am free to text you for early extraction if the mission is not going well." Phil nodded. "Right anything else to talk about?"

"Nope, here's your money." Melinda handed him some cash. She then undid the tie and slowly drew it off him. "No tie. You look good without it."

"You've said that before," Phil remembered.

"Hmm, good luck." Melinda opened his door. "Now go."

Phil put the cash in his pocket and walked over to the bar down. He gave a wave back and Melinda drove away. He took a deep breath and went into the bar. 

"Oi Phil, there you are!" Kelly called out and waved. "You're late."

Phil walked over and stared at the pitchers of beer on the table. "I'm on time," he said confused. Georgie poured him a pint and Phil raised it in thanks. "You're arrival at our place ranged from 45 to 90 minutes after the scheduled time. I extrapolated and arrived 70 minutes after the agreed upon time, it seemed the safest bet."

The men all laughed and Kelly slapped Phil on the back. "Mate, the bar is the one place we show up 'on time' for. Now drink and catch up." Kelly poured himself another beer.

Phil took a few sips. He looked around the bar, there were posters and a bit of graffiti on the wall. His gaze stopped on a poster. "Is that camels?" he pointed.

"Aye, the Camel Cup," one of the guys said. "Coming up soon."

"Camel Cup, but camels are dicks,"  Phil said. "Why?"

Kelly shrugged. "Why not?"

"Useless race unless there is a motor in it," Georgie said, Phil was pretty sure anyways. "What you like Phil?"

Phil paused. "Do you mean car wise, or sports in general?"

Georgie took a pull of his beer. "Whatever."

"I like cars," Phil said. "I had the best car ever, but couldn't bring it with us, left it with our kid back in the states." Phil couldn't resist and pulled out his phone. He found his favourite photo which had Daisy petting Lola. He showed the guys. At least two of them whistled.

"That is one sexy lady," Kelly said.

"Don't lust after my girls," Phil said sternly. "Lola is too good for the likes of you."

"That the girl or the car?" one asked.

"Car. And Daisy last I knew had a boyfriend, and he's hell on wheels, so you have no chance." Phil finished his beer and one of the guys was putting another in his hand.

"Footie?" someone asked.

"No," Phil said. "Never really been a team sports kind of guy."

"Decent workout room we put in for you. That your missus requested." Kelly winked. "You been getting a good workout Phil?"

Phil felt himself flush a little and took a gulp of beer. "So explain Australian Rules Football to me."

The whole table laughed and Kelly slapped his back. Phil grinned, pleased that it was going well.

***************************************

Melinda was feeling good. She had done some shopping and ate dinner and gone to a late movie. It had been forgettable but it was just nice to have some alone time. She checked her phone again and there were no rescue me texts from Phil. She thought she'd give him an extra half hour, before going to pick him up. She knew he had been feeling a little lonely. She loved the quiet, but he was used to people always around.

She got a tea at an outdoor cafe and pulled out her latest book. She was fifteen minutes in when she got a text: 

_I do not know what number beer I currently am on.  Assistance would be welcomed._

Oh good lord, Phil was the only person she knew who got more formal when drunk. He was the master of act serious to cover it up. Until he cracked and the giggles came in. She hoped she could get to him before the giggles set in. She couldn't imagine that going well with this crowd. She went to the truck and drove to the bar.

And lo and behold there were a group of men posturing outside and Phil was in the middle giggling and pointing. At least the guys he had been drinking with seemed to be backing him up and they had moved outside, less damage costs to repay. Melinda got out of the truck and went over. "Boys, I'm here to collect Phil." Melinda moved in between the two groups. "Kelly," she said.

He sort of waved, while keeping his eyes on the other guys. "Sorry, didn't know he was a lightweight."

"Am not," Phil said. "I can have 4 beers or 2 whiskeys and be fine."

"Had a few more than four," Georgie muttered.

"How much more?" Melinda asked. She pulled a water bottle out of her bag and handed it to Phil. "Drink that." He immediately began to sip.

"You just do what your lady tells you to?" one of the opposite guys sneered.

Phil just looked at them. "Well, yeah. Melly mine says jump, I say how high, wouldn't you?" Phil pointed at Melinda. "I'm not arguing with all that. I've learned that just ends up with me hurt or dead. You get tired of dying after the third or fourth time."

"Phil," Melinda warned quietly. That meant at least 6 beers. He only got this chatty after 6 beers.

"What, that is something I beat you on. You've only died twice," Phil said. He held up two fingers proudly.

"Knew you were military folks," Kelly said.

"Oi, enough talk, we're here to fight," one of the guys shouted.

"Yeah, but I told you I didn't want to," Phil reminded him. "You are puny and no fun to fight. All breakable and stuff. No challenge."

"Fuck you," the guy said. His friends started to press forward.

Melinda looked at them. "No," she said in her full Agent May voice. Two of the guys stepped back.

"I wish she would tell me to heel in that voice sometimes," Phil said wistfully.

The guys all snickered and Melinda absolutely ignored that. "Say goodbye to your friends, Phil."

"Bye Phil's friends," Phil said cheerfully. "This was fun. Right? We can do it again?"

Kelly smiled, he liked the guy. "Yeah mate, always welcome."

"Great!" Phil started the giggles again and Melinda rolled her eyes. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and they started to move away. Phil kept waving.

The other guy thought this was his chance and he lunged for Phil. Two of his friends backed him up.

The whole crowd outside went silent when Melinda and Phil had the guys on the ground in three seconds. Melinda crouched down. "I said no," she repeated. The man nodded quickly, he couldn't talk no air left in his body. Melinda stood.

Phil's face slid from work face back to happy drunk face. "Isn't Melly mine so hot? Swear some of the bullets I took were because I got too busy watching her kick ass."

"Super hot, mate. We'll clean this up." Kelly said and pushed Phil gently away. He didn't want to think about what training Phil had had that he responded like that even when completely pissed. "Drink more water."

"I will. Bye," Phil shouted and Melinda bundled him up in the car.

They were driving home and Phil began to squirm. And his leg jittered. Melinda quickly pulled over. "Go pee." 

Phil jumped out of the car and sighed in relief. He hopped back in a minute later. "Sorry," he said.

"Not the first time I've seen you take a leak on the side of the road," she said. "Remember off the side of the building in Prague?" This started a round of the giggles. Melinda smiled as she finished the drive home. She maybe loved those giggles. They pulled in and she had to help Phil into the house. He was just completely useless at this point. She got a little more water into him and then helped him strip down. He went and took another leak and crawled into bed. She tucked him in. "You are going to hurt in the morning."

"So much," he slurred. "Thank you for defending my honour."

Melinda smiled a little and smoothed his hair down. "Always going to do that, Phil."

"Are you?" Phil asked mostly asleep.

"Am I what?"

"Always mine?" He was snoring a few seconds after he asked that.

Melinda turned on his lamp on the lowest setting so he could see his way to the bathroom. She went to the door. "Yeah, Phil, I am," she whispered and went to her room.

In the morning she made him hangover food with only a little loud noise torture to go with it. They sat on the couch and she read and rubbed his head while he whimpered, head in her lap.

"Did you know there is a thing called the Camel Cup here?" Phil managed to eventually say.

"Like the cigarettes?"

"No like actual camels," Phil could have sat up but he was comfortable. He rolled a little and looked up at Melinda. "They race them."

"Camels are dicks," Melinda said.

"I know. Wanna go when it happens? Kelly mentioned being able to get tickets easy."

"It's a date," Melinda agreed easily and went back to reading.

Phil rolled his head back so she couldn't see his grin. He drifted into a nap Melinda's hand in his hair, the word date in his mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is just pretending that Captain America Civil War doesn't exist and neither does Clint's magical family from Age of Ultron, picture Clint more like the Matt Fraction version (like many of us fans do)

"Okay you know what? You are right that sheep is evil," Melinda said. 

"Thank you," Phil said. "So what do we do?"

"We, nothing, that's your sheep, you can get it off the roof of our house," Melinda answered. When she had got back from her morning ride she was going to let the sheep into the pen like always but realized Stark sheep was missing yet again. She had woken up Phil and they searched and eventually realized that the damn sheep was on the porch roof.

"Teleportation?" Phil wondered. "Temporal space shift? Shape shifting?" Stark sheep stood up and moved a little and they could hear the roof creek a little and Phil bolted forward and was climbing up to Stark sheep and making soothing noises. Melinda went to the barn and got the ladder and between the two of them they got him down. Phil took him to the pen and hugged him and scolded him like a toddler that had gotten lost in a grocery store. Melinda took a few photos before going into the house to make breakfast.

That was just the first of the weird things that began to happen. Things kept moving in the house. They would go out for a ride together and things would be in different spots, little things or sometimes big like all her clothes being moved into Phil's closet. Phil went into Bunnings and his girl looked at him blushed and giggled and said, "Have you been enjoying it?" and Phil had no idea what that meant.

When Melinda went to get groceries she could feel that she was being watched, that itch at the back of her neck. She and Phil had to actually talk about this.

They sat on the porch after having done a bug sweep. Phil was carrying weapons. He hadn't done that in months now. "So, thoughts?"

"Testing our awareness?" Melinda suggested.

Phil nodded. "Whoever they are, they know the layout of the house well by now. They've been talking to people in town too. I just don't get it as a tactic."

"Unsettle us? Put us on edge?"

"Yeah, but they just made us aware that an attack was coming. Giving us time to prepare makes no sense," Phil said. "Better to have just gone for us."

"What do we do?" Melinda looked out at the night sky. "Run?" The word was filled with sadness. "We have the camel race in a couple of days."

"I am not running anywhere," Phil said firmly. "I am dying here."

"No one is dying. They'll attack and we'll destroy them." Melinda looked at Phil. "I'm with you until the end of the line, Phil."

Phil stared at her. "Did you just quote freaking Captain America to me?" He felt his cheeks warm and was grateful they were both in shadows.

Melinda smiled and stood up. "So what if I did?"

Phil stood up as well. "What are you doing Melinda?" He moved a little closer to her.

"Just saying I'll defend our home. You. Until. Until..."

Phil was right in front of her, an inch in between them at most. "Melly mine," he whispered. He moved a little hair off her face and she almost leaned into his hand. Phil bit his lip and -

"Boo!" A man shouted.

Phil and Melinda both turned and pumped him full of icer bullets. The man fell back and they approached carefully, Phil in lead, Melinda behind. The guy was out cold and would be for awhile. Phil pulled the balaclava off the man and just sighed. "Well that does explain Stark sheep on the roof."

"Barton," Melinda sneered.

"And you thought one of the next visitors would be one of the kids," Phil said. "Help me get him to the guest room."

Melinda thought they could leave him there fine. But Phil always had to take care of people. Phil grabbed Clint's legs and Melinda his hands. And if Melinda lost her grip and let Clint's head drop onto the porch, well not like a hit to the head would hurt Clint, there was nothing in there to hurt. She dumped him on the spare bed and started to walk out. "Phil?"

Phil was of course taking Clint's shoes off and treating the idiot like he was a guest that mattered. "What? He's a dumbass, but -"

"He was your dumbass," Melinda sighed, went back and wedged a pillow under his head. "He doesn't get good breakfast tomorrow," she warned. 

"He doesn't look good," Phil said.

"Oh lord, you can fix him in the morning - after he apologizes."

"He was just being Clint," Phil dismissed.

"Phil, if you don't make him apologize, I will." Melinda turned and went to her bedroom. She was never Barton's biggest fan, but right now she despised him. She changed into her sleep clothes and dreamed of murdering an avenger. She woke up smiling.

***************************************

Clint stumbled into the kitchen in the morning and signed  _morning boss_. Phil signed a hello back and gave the poor bastard some pain relievers and the entire pot of coffee put on a chafing plate right in front of him. Clint blearily drank it while Phil read newspapers. Eventually he was more awake. He signed  _sorry_ and went back down the hall to the shower. When he came back his ears were in and Phil was making him some peanut butter toast.

"Sit, that many icer bullets you need some protein."

"No bacon?"

"Bacon is for people who aren't assholes," Phil said. But he turned and winked at Clint who laughed a little.

"It was funny wasn't it?" Clint grabbed a little more coffee.

"Sure," Phil said. It wasn't at all, but he couldn't tell Clint that, he knew that Clint didn't like it when Phil yelled, it scared the man though he would never admit it. "So what's up?"

"Fury told us about your Bed and Breakfast, had to check it out," Clint explained. He ate some toast while Phil tried to form coherent words.

Phil sat slowly in a chair. "What bed and breakfast?" he managed to ask.

Clint showed Phil the email that Fury had sent to everyone. Phil just stared at the email as Melinda walked in.

"Did you apologize?" Melinda asked Clint. Clint nodded around his mouthful of toast. Melinda glared at him, not quite believing it. "Phil?" Phil was sitting too still. Shit, Clint was here to bring them in. Well she would just kill him, chop him into pieces and mail it to each member of SHIELD and the Avengers to make sure they got the message to leave Phil alone. She took the phone gently from Phil ready to see orders. And saw the notes Fury sent around about their 'B&B'.

"Got to say, not the welcome I was expecting." Clint finished his toast. 

Melinda ignored him and sat and looked at Phil. "Phil? Baby, you need to tell me what is going on in your brain." She ignored the look Clint gave her as she said baby.

Phil finally looked at her. "Can we get a sign for out front? Oooh we need a guest book. And -"

"No."

"No, what?"

"No turning our home into a full B&B," Melinda said. "I somehow doubt at this point we can stop certain people from dropping in, but this is not becoming a public thing."

"I need to get Clint some fresh towels," Phil said and hurried off.

"Oh, great, just great," Melinda stood up and went to get her cereal.

"So, Melinda, how's shakes?" Clint asked. He barely ducked the knife Melinda threw at his head. "Hey!"

Melinda took her cereal to the living room.

*****************************************************

Clint was helping Phil with the sheep. Stark sheep actually liked Clint a fair bit which boggled Phil's mind. He tended to Clint and Natasha.

"Still weird that you named a sheep after me, sir," Clint said.

"It's Phil," Phil reminded him. 

"These are going to need shearing soon," Clint pointed out.

"The girl I bought them from is taking care of it. Her friend will process it and turn it into wool for me. Thought I'd give knitting a try," Phil grinned. They left the pen in a relatively clean state. "So, talk to me Barton."

"Just needed a vacation," Clint said. "Going to use that range you set up for me."

Phil watched him walk to the back of the house and went to the kitchen door. He left the work boots on the porch and went in. Melinda was prepping vegetables for dinner and stopped to hand him water. "Still not talking?"

"I preferred when Fury just didn't say anything at all for the first few days." Phil snagged some carrot. 

"You're sad," Melinda said.

"It's like he doesn't trust me," Phil said.

"And?"

"And he fucked with our home. Pranks on the base were one thing. You were there, hell you were behind most of the big ones. But this is here. And he made me scared, here. Just a little bit."

"He apologized." Melinda hand on the knife tightened.

"Yeah? I mean sort of, it was the sort of throwaway apology that I always used to accept." Phil shrugged. "I'm going to have a shower."

Melinda put down her kitchen knife and opened a door to get a couple murder knives. She went out back where Clint was shooting arrows and due to their history made a little bit of noise as she ran. Clint heard her and turned in enough time to use his bow to block a knife.

"Ooh, the bed and breakfast comes with sparring practice, nice," Clint grinned and fought back a little, thinking it was all in fun. He had to quickly reassess though as a knife tore open his shirt and drew a little blood. "What the fuck, May?"

Melinda just snarled and attacked and Clint was pushed backwards until the third time she put him on his ass and he took the fight seriously. Usually Melinda could destroy Clint but retirement had slowed her down a little, and Clint had been busy with the Avengers. It was a lot more even than it used to be.

Clint managed to pin her down, "Seriously what the fuck, May?"

She headbutted him and almost broke his nose. "Fuck you, Barton. I want you off my property today. If I have to drag your unconscious ass into a field and leave it for the snakes and spiders, I am okay with that."

Clint rolled away and up and managed to string an arrow. "What did I do to you?"

"You made Phil scared in his home, so you can burn in hell," Melinda wiped a little blood off her mouth, unsure if it was his or hers.

"With a couple pranks?" Clint sneered a little. "The Phil Coulson scared of a few pranks? Yeah right. We used to do this shit all the time."

"Yeah, what like 8 years ago? You couldn't fathom that maybe with everything the man has been through he might have changed a little? Or a lot?"

"How would I know?" Clint roared. "He left us! He left us for you and all those new kids and didn't give a fuck if maybe Nat and I were struggling with the new jobs or almost dying constantly."

"Oh boo-hoo, almost dying? Have you even read everything that's happened to him?" Melinda got up slowly watching the arrow that Clint had on her. "Do you actually give a damn about him, or is all about you, like it always was?"

"Enough!" Phil roared. He came outside, in jeans and not much else. "I could hear you two in the shower, and I want you to quit it."

Clint kept the arrow trained on Melinda but looked over. And saw the scar from Loki's spear, and Phil didn't have his hand on, and the million other scars that had shown up over the last few years. He saw the wrinkles around Phil's eyes, and the hair that had grown ever thinner. His lip wobbled just a bit before he could firm it.

Melinda stood down a bit. She looked at the two men and nodded. "You apologize properly to him this time or I swear to fucking god, I will find a kangaroo and make it punch you."

"Yes, mom." Everyone blinked. "May, I said May and no one can prove otherwise."

"Right, this is too much emotion, I'm going into town."

"We need -" Phil began.

"I know what we need. Do that feelings stuff with your son." Melinda stalked off into the house. They could hear the truck leave a couple minutes later.

Phil and Clint just sort of stared at each other. "Clean up your gear here and come inside," Phil said. He went into the kitchen and made them ice cream sundaes, extra chocolate sauce and three cherries for Clint. He put the bowls on the table and waited. He thought about getting a shirt and his hand but if he wasn't here when Clint came in, the guy would just bolt. And it seemed they needed to talk.

Clint came in and sat down. They ate some ice cream in silence.

"So..." Phil said. "I'm sorry."

Clint stared at him in shock. "What?"

"I was following Nick's orders," Phil said. "But I still should have contacted you and Natasha. I just...I believed in Nick. Which is good, but also not."

"We knew you weren't dead."

"I know," Phil said. "But I still should have told you myself. But then we were on the move, and then HYDRA, and then Daisy and her superpowers." Phil saw Clint flinch a little. He bit back a smile, thinking of what he overheard. "You know Daddy loves all his kids equally."

"Oh god, never call yourself Daddy ever again," Clint said in horror. "Oh that was disgusting. And stupid."

"You think you got replaced."

"I know I got replaced," Clint muttered.

"So did I," Phil pointed out.

"With who?"

"Stark, Captain America, a god from another planet?" Phil looked at him. "You guys built your own new family too. I didn't think you needed me, not like the new team did."

"Uh floating city, robots gone mad?" Clint said. 

"Hey you had my help for that," Phil answered back. "I'm the reason you had giant air ship remember?"

"Needed you," Clint said. "I...I don't know if I am a good fit for the Avengers."

Phil took Clint's ice cream away. "No more treats."

"Hey," Clint pouted.

"No. I am the one who took Nick that you were a superhero and I am not going to change my mind on that." Phil gave Clint his most severe look. "You are always better than you think."

"I miss working for SHIELD," Clint admitted. "The stakes were high, but fuck, not like what they are now. And Bruce is gone and he was the only one I really talked to easily."

"Okay, I need you to be honest. Is it because you honestly miss your old work, or just you are running away from who you are. Because you know that never works out for you." Phil grinned. "Last time, you tried didn't you end up owning an apartment building and getting a protege?"

"Shut up," Clint said. He then paused. "You know about Katie-kate?"

"Might not have been around, doesn't mean I didn't keep an eye on you." Phil slid the ice cream back over to Clint. "But tell me about her."

"She's a pain in the ass," Clint said immediately and started rambling. Phil listened and the way Clint described Kate Bishop was exactly how he used to describe Clint back at the beginning. Eventually Clint wound down. "I am sorry Phil. Did I really scare you?"

"Melinda exaggerates."

"May?" Clint gave him a look. It was a Coulson look. He had practiced it in the mirror.

"Clint, you know how you feel about your nests?" Phil said slowly. "Not the work ones, you know what I mean. Your hideaways?"

Clint frowned. "Shit." 

Phil nodded a little. "This?" He gestured meaning the house. "This is that. Only instead of a backup, it is now my everything. And you made it wrong, you made it feel wrong."

"I'm sorry," Clint said, and he clearly meant it this time.

"I'm sorry too," Phil threw his arm around Clint. 

Clint looked down at it. "So missing hand."

"Melinda doesn't let me act out the Luke loses his hand scene," Phil said. They looked at each other. "But she's out right now."

When Melinda got home it was to Clint as Vadar and Phil as Luke. She just walked by and left them be. It was easier on her mind.

Clint woke up at 2am and screamed. Stark sheep just stared at him from atop his bed. "Holy mother fucking hell!" he screamed.

"Yeah, now you are sorry," Melinda said. "Get him back to the barn, and you'll get pancakes for breakfast."

"Oh come on," Clint groaned.

"Listen to your mother," Phil said.

"I hate both of you." But he got up and put on pants to take Stark sheep back out.

"Wait..." Melinda said slowly. "If I am stepmom, and the bus kids are our kids Phil, and Clint and Natasha are from your 'first' marriage...does that make Nick your first wife?"

"I'm going to be sick," Phil and Clint said at the same time. Melinda grinned and went back to bed pleased with the night's mischief.

**************************************

The three of them just stared.

"It really is camel races," Clint said. "I kind of thought maybe it was a gag. Aussies are weird."

"You two get food, I'm going to get seats," Melinda said. "Far away from camels."

"Camels are dicks," all three said together. Melinda walked away.

Phil turned to Clint. "Right, when we get up there, you will find someone you 'know' far away from us."

"I don't know anyone in Alice Springs," Clint said.

"I don't care, pretend you do. Go hit on a pretty girl or guy or something. Just go away."

Clint squinted at him. "Why?"

"No reason," Phil said quickly.

Clint was slow when it came to people and feelings, but not the slowest ever. "Phil..."

"Nothing, it's nothing," Phil got into a food line and bought all Melinda's favourites.

"Phil, was this supposed to be a date?"

"She may have used that word, but it doesn't mean it is." Phil carefully carried a tray.

"You were almost going to kiss her when I dropped in. Thought those icer bullets made me imagine it!" Clint actually jumped in the air. "Holy shit, you were making your move. Fury thought it would take a couple years." Clint frowned. "Aww, prank, no. And I ruined it. I cockblocked you, hard. And have been taking up all your time from her."

"I...have become accustomed to couch cuddle time with Melinda that has not been happening in the last week as much because -"

"Because I park myself in the middle with the popcorn." Clint groaned. "I am the shitty kid trying to keep Dad and his new wife apart. Jesus fucking christ."

Phil snorted a little. "We really should maybe drop this metaphor." 

"I'll totally make myself scarce. And I'm leaving in a couple days."

Phil is looking for Melinda. "Son, you are always welcome at home. And I'll give you Daisy's number, see if we can't find a bit more of a place for you in SHIELD again." He grinned. "You and your half-sister should spend more time together." Okay he maybe did love this metaphor. 

Clint smiled a little. "Thanks. And there she is." He pointed. "Talking to...Steve. Shit, guess the team sent him. I may have sort of left without a note. After saying I didn't feel like a real part of the team." He winced. "Steve takes that sort of stuff personally."

Phil watched Steve say something and Melinda laughed. He felt his blood pressure spike. He growled a little as Melinda leaned in a bit to Steve. 

Clint sighed. "Sorry, don't think I'll be able to fake seeing someone. He looks pretty settled in, and he really doesn't do subtlety. I think your date day might be screwed."

Melinda laughed again and touched Steve's shoulder.

"I hate Captain America," Phil snarled.

Clint learned a grown man, a superhero could pass out from sheer shock, as he hit the floor hearing Phil say those words. Phil kicked him until he came to, and they went up the stands.

"Coulson, look who is here," Melinda said, sure Phil would be thrilled.

"That's great," Phil glared at the man. "That's my seat. Move."

"I'm sorry?" Steve looked confused.

"I sit on Melly's right. Move your ass." 

Clint came up. "Steve move one row forward with me." He looked at Phil and Melinda and at Steve, trying to get the point across.

"Clint, you worried us," Steve said. He hadn't moved yet. "If I did something to make you feel disconnected from the team, I want to fix that." He was so damn earnest.

"Yeah, I am sure and I am sorry. Hey how about we go for a walk and talk about team cohesion?" Clint said and gave him another pointed look.

"But camel races," Steve protested. "They look really neat."

"Oh will everyone just sit down," Melinda said. "You are making a scene."

Phil and Clint ended up in front, Steve staying with Melinda.

"I hate him," Phil said darkly.

Clint managed to not pass out this time when he heard it. "I'll get him gone right after this, I promise."

Melinda leaned forward. "By the way, Steve is going to stay with us a couple days, too. He'll leave with Clint. He really wants to see the horses and sheep." She leaned back pleased as punch she had arranged for Phil's hero to hang out for a couple days. 

Phil spent the whole races dreaming up ways to kill Captain America, and also Clint since the man was here because of him.

Melinda put her feet up on either side of Phil and he automatically held them, rubbed his thumbs over her ankles.

Maybe he would let the guys live.

He heard Melinda do the slightly flirty laugh again.

Nope, he was killing them dead. That was supposed to be his laugh.

Clint nudged him. "Your life will be a lot easier if you clue in that you love her," he whispered.

Phil was ready to say something snarky and paused. "Oh, shit," he finally said.

Clint nodded. "And there it is." He looked at the race track. "I'm cheering for number three. I'll go put bets in for everyone." He got up to give Phil a couple minutes.

"Oh, shit," Phil repeated to himself. He held Melinda's ankles. 

He was so in love.

Shit.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's have some Cap pov of phil and melinda shall we?

Melinda May was great.

The best.

Like don't get Steve wrong, Phil was a stand up guy, and Clint clearly was attached to the man, but Melinda.

Melinda was wow.

It was their third morning riding together and it was the quiet. The quiet was just great. He loved his new team but there was never quiet, and here it was just the sound of the horses running and a small occasional laugh from Melinda and it was the most relaxed he had felt in a very long time. They ride to the edge of the property and along the back fence. It is so peaceful and then he hears a click noise and looks over and Melinda is in a full gallop and pulling out a rifle he didn't even notice and shooting targets.

Wow.

She circled back to him a huge grin on her face and he remembered Peggy. They would have gotten along swell.

"Ma'am, reports of your skills are not exaggerated."

"You've heard of me?" Melinda is a little surprised.

"Everyone who has done work for SHIELD has heard of The Cal -" He quickly cuts himself off, Clint told him never to say that. "And Natasha talks about you with a bit of hero worship. That takes work."

They begin to ride back to the barn. "Has she had Clint's settling problems?"

"No ma'am, she just does the job." Steve frowned. "But she doesn't really participate. Clint is either in your face or holed up in that apartment building of his. Her? She could be in the same room with us and I'm not sure we would notice." Steve looked at her hopefully. "Can you help ma'am?"

"I can make some breakfast, but for answers? That you have to talk to Phil," she said.

Steve sighed. "I think he's mad at me, and I don't know what I did wrong."

Melinda did. "You upset Clint, that makes Phil cranky. He is very protective of his kids, even the ones that are all grown up."

"He doesn't have children," Steve said. "I've read his file, barely any relationships."

"Steve," Melinda had to smile the man was just hopeless at understanding people at times. "Clint calls him Dad when he's injured or scared. It is a joke, except it is not. Natasha trusts Phil at her back without question. She do that for anyone on the team not named Barton?"

Steve sighed. "No ma'am."

"It's Melinda," she said fondly. She wanted to ruffle his hair and buy him a football he looked so glum. "Let me guess you have been so focused on cohesion with Tony, especially with Bruce going AWOL, that you sort of forgot about them, because hey they didn't seem to need as much care, they were easy."

"I'm a lousy leader," Steve said.

"No, you are just an overly focused one," she said. They got to the barn and took care of the horses. "Talk to the Phil, focus on it being about helping Clint and he'll warm up right away," she promises.

"Thanks, you really are just as great as everyone says," Steve told her.

"I'm alright," she agreed. She looked to the pen. "Dammit Stark sheep," she sighed. "How did you even?" No. No she wouldn't ask how the sheep was wearing a scarf and beret, the answer was easy and in her house. "Come on, breakfast," she said to Steve.

They walked into the house together all happy from their ride and the belief that they fixed the problem.

Steve saw Clint hugging the coffee pot, the extra one Phil had bought just for him. Steve made a mental note to get Clint his own coffee pot for Avengers Tower. He nodded to his teammate who glared a bit at him, but it was clear he was only a few ounces in. Clint was still not awake. Phil was cooking up a mess of eggs. "Those look great Phil, can I help with anything?" Steve asked. 

"You can help yourself right over a cliff," Phil muttered. "And while taking that flying leap, get the hot sauce out for Clint."

"Yes, sir," Steve's shoulders slumped. Melinda patted his arm and gave a pointed look to Clint. Steve really had to earn points back with Phil for not seeing how upset Clint was. Steve grabbed the hot sauce and a few other things and set the table.

He sat beside Clint, while Phil finished cooking. Melinda was making toast and the two moved seemlessly around each other, it reminded him of he and Bucky back in the day. He smiled at Melinda, she was a great friend to be gaining. He caught out the corner of his eye Phil glaring at him.

"You are a fucking idiot," Clint said. "And this is coming from me. Think about that."

"I don't understand," Steve said. Phil slammed a plate of perfectly cooked eggs in front of him.

"I know you don't," Clint replied. His plate was put much more gently in front of him and it had a happy face of bacon and sausages on it. He bounced a little in his chair. "Thanks D- Phil," he said.

Oh yeah, Steve had screwed up big time but he could fix this.

***************************************

"Phil, could we talk?" Steve asked. Phil was working out and Steve had to admit it was a nice set up. He flushed a little at his old propaganda posters on the wall.

Phil kept punching the bag. "Sure, Cap, what about?" 

Steve automatically went to hold it for him. "You can call me, Steve, Melinda does."

"What do you need, Cap?" Phil was almost growling and punching even harder. Steve wondered if he should point out that Phil didn't want to stress his joints, but decided it would be a bad idea.

"I'm sorry," Steve said quickly. He smiled when Phil stilled.

"What for?" Phil asked.

"For not treating Clint right. For not making sure he and Natasha were okay and fitting well with the team. That if even for a second I made him think I didn't value his skills," Steve said earnestly.

Phil went back to punching and added a knee or two in. Steve was actually impressed how much he could put into it.

"Sir, you are in great shape for your age and the fact that you are retired," Steve said figuring a compliment would be good right now. He blinked as he flew back against the wall. He stared at Phil in shock as the shield glowed out of his hand. He had used the shield to push at the bag and it had caught Steve unawares and knocked him back. Phil tapped his wrist and the shield disappeared. "Uh -" Steve managed to say.

"You want what, me to tell Clint to play better with you at the sandbox?" Phil asked. "No, you sort your own house, Captain. And then get out of mine."

"Melinda said we could stay a few more days." Steve got up. And quickly held up his hands in peace at the look on Phil's face. "I swear, I'll sort it out with Clint."

Phil stared at him. "None of the biographies I have read on you ever pointed out you are a complete moron." He stalked over to the wall and took the two posters down and left Steve standing in the room.

"Still don't have a clue, huh?" Clint asked as he swung in through the window. 

"What did I do wrong?"

"Jesus, so fucking much," Clint said. "But let's start with never call a former Director of SHIELD old."

"I didn't! I said -" Steve rubbed his neck. "I said it in a roundabout way."

"He's only two years older than May, would you tell her she's in shape for her age?" Clint grabbed a bar and started chin ups.

"She's 50?" Steve stared in shock.

"Yeah, I know, it's complete bullshit, I've seen her work photos, hotter now than she was at 30." Clint hung there. "Don't tell Mom I said that."

"Did you just call her mom?"

"No, I called her May."

"No, you didn't," Steve said.

"Yeah, I did," Clint answered back. "No video, no proof." He did a few more chin ups. "So you actually value me?"

Steve stared at him in shock. "Of course I do, you keep us alive, see the battlefield in a way we don't. Clint, we'd fall apart without you."

Clint nodded. "Okay, I'll come home, but I'm going to do a some more work with SHIELD. Little sis needs some help."

"Little sis?" Steve was lost.

"Yeah, their kid. Daisy, running SHIELD right now, me and Nick are going to help her out a bit." Clint did another few pulls. "So getting cozy with May, I noticed."

"I like riding with her," Steve said. "Thinking when we get back to New York, I'll look into stables, see about doing it more."

"Not staying here?" Clint asked casually.

"Why would I stay?" Steve looked at him. "I'm missing something big, aren't I?"

"Yup," Clint winked at him and in a couple moves was back out the window he had come in.

*********************************

Steve heard the scream and jolted out of bed. He ran down the hall in just his boxers not even a weapon in hand looking for the threat. He barreled into Clint in the hall.

"Stand down, Captain," Clint said in his Hawkeye voice. It was a little louder than usual, him being still a little asleep and not having his hearing aids in.

"Threat," Steve said and signed one of the thirty words he knew.

Clint smiled a little, remembering why he liked the lug. He signaled for silence and went down the hall. Steve followed him and they looked around the corner. Phil was shivering and sweating at the same time. Melinda was wrapping him in a blanket. Steve felt his heart melt at the way she took care of him. She sat on the couch and Phil lay his head on her lap face pressed against her stomach. Her hand smoothed his hair and she began to read aloud from the book on the table.

Steve had seen them orbit each other easily over the last few days, that synced rhythm that people who had been in combat together had, but this was different. Really different. That was love.

Oh.

Ohhhhhhh.

He felt Clint tap on his shoulder and they went out onto the back porch. "You get it now?" Clint asked.

Steve nodded. "She has feelings for him." 

Clint nodded. "And?"

"And..." Steve worked through it in his brain. "Oh fuck, I am a moron. Phil loves her and he thinks she and I have been flirting because neither of them sees they are totally in love and together." 

Clint grinned. "There you go, Cap. It's okay, I was a cockblock when I got here too."

"This is why you said maybe morning rides aren't the best for me," Steve banged his head against a porch rail. "I'm surprised he hasn't shot me."

"Frankly? Me too," Clint admitted. "I think he was trying to explode your brain with his eyes."

"What do we do?"

"Really? Asking me how to fix people in love? Me?" Clint gave him a look.

"You have more experience with relationships than I do," Steve said.

"I have experience with getting my ass dumped and running away from love and generally being a bastard." Clint pointed out. "But I clued Phil into his feelings. Maybe you do the same for Melinda? And then we get the hell out of dodge?"

Steve nodded. "I can do that."

"Okay then," Clint grinned at him. "Always wondered how much action have you actually had?"

"More than the history books say," Steve smiled back.

"Nice."

****************************************************

Steve sat on the horse and tried to bring it up as they rode. "Um -" Shit, he had nothing.

"I know you and Clint were in the hall last night," she said. "I would appreciate it, if you didn't bother him about his nightmares."

"It is good he has you to help," Steve said. "It...it makes it better when someone you trust protects you."

Melinda looked at him. "Say what you want, Rogers."

"You love him."

Melinda gave him a smile. "No, I don't." 

Steve stared at her in shock. She said that easily, honestly. She wasn't lying or in denial. "But." Steve clenched his jaw. "Look, I am aware I don't quite get modern relationships, but I think I can tell when someone loves someone."

Melinda shrugged. "Captain Rogers, do you love your lungs?"

Steve looked at her. "I don't understand."

"Your lungs, do you love them? They keep you alive, keep you healthy, keep you whole. Do you love them?"

"I haven't thought about it." Steve stopped his horse.

"What about your liver and kidneys? If they weren't there you'd poison yourself inside out. Do you thank god for their fundamental existence every day?"

"I guess I don't really think about them much."

"Your amygdala, what about it? It is where instinct lies that core in you that you trust without logic, without reason. Do you love it?" Melinda sat easily on her horse.

"I guess I'm grateful for it?" Steve said hesitantly.

"I don't love Phil, anymore than I do my liver, or any other organ." Melinda was curious if he would understand.

"Because love is a word that can't encompass it," Steve said. "Because Phil is a part of you."

Melinda smiled a little. "I don't live without him, it is that simple. So no I don't love him. Because that is a tiny word for what Phil is to me."

"I can understand that feeling," Steve said.

"No offense, Rogers, I don't think you do." 

"I've loved."

"I don't doubt." She turned her horse back to home. "That plane you dove into the ice to save thousands. If you knew letting it reach its destination would have given you Bucky back what would you have done?"

Steve paused. "The same thing."

"And Peggy, if there was a gun to her head and turning back would have saved her."

"She wouldn't have wanted me to."

"See Captain that's the difference between you and me, and what we do with our hearts. If that choice was mine, and it was thousands vs Phil. I wouldn't hesitate. I would choose Phil."

Steve stared at her face, it was granite, it was the coldest, most certain thing he had ever seen. And he understood why people at SHIELD spoke of her with reverence and fear. "I don't want that sort of love ever, ma'am."

She relaxed in the saddle. "Good, boy," she said. "Come on, bet we can convince Phil to make waffles."

"Does he know?"

"Doesn't matter if he does." Melinda shrugged. "We are us."

"But you could be you with sex," Steve blurted out.

Melinda's laugh echoed. "Is that Barton or Stark talking?"

Steve turned bright red as they finished their ride.

When they got into the house Phil glared at Steve as he had been the whole time. Clint sat there with his coffee and just looked at Steve. 

Steve sat down. "Well Clint, I think we've had a good enough vacation and should head on home."

"Yeah, god knows what I have to repair on my building," Clint muttered.

"Talk to Mack, when you get back, he'll know a guy," Phil said. Melinda smiled at him. "Yes, I'll make you waffles," he said, knowing what that smile meant. "But you are making that stir fry for dinner."

"I'll run them to the airport, and go to the market," she said.

"I can't thank you both enough for your hospitality, really it has just been incredible," Steve said.

"You tried to stab me, you only get four stars," Clint said.

Melinda went over and kissed his head. "Aww baby, I love my stepkids just as much as my real ones."

Clint wiped at the kiss and swatted her away. "Stop that."

"But you be nice to Fitz when you go in," Melinda warned. "He's occasionally a little sensitive when meeting new buff people."

"You think I'm buff?" Clint batted his eyes.

"Clint, name a het woman at SHIELD who hasn't wanked to thoughts of your arms and fingers."

"Melinda!" Phil shouted. "What the hell?"

"Phil was on the SHIELD Spank Bank list at number 4 in the woman's locker room," Steve said without thinking. "Beat out me, actually."

"How?" Clint was stunned.

"Gee thanks," Phil said. 

"Oh shut up, you know what I mean," Clint said.

"I get it," Melinda replied not looking up as she cut some fruit. 

"You do?" Phil's voice squeaked a little.

Steve and Clint watched them intently.

Melinda shrugged. "Sure, smart, caring, resourceful. Lots of comments about those finger exercises you used to do went around, wondering what else they were good for."

"I'm better with my mouth," Phil said unthinkingly.

Melinda stopped cutting berries for a moment and the tension ratcheted up in the room.

Clint finally whistled. "Go, Dad?"

"I'm going to make waffles," Phil said and concentrated on the waffle iron. But this time the plate wasn't slammed in front of Steve and Steve was relieved when Clint gave him a thumb's up. Maybe Phil wasn't going to hate him for all time. He really liked the farm and wanted to vacation here again. He dug into the waffles which tasted like heaven. Definitely a five star sort of place.

******************************************

Phil was reading on the couch when Melinda came back. She brought in some groceries with her and a few more library books.

"Get them dropped off okay?"

"Hmm," Melinda agreed. She went to the kitchen and put away the food. She came back with iced tea for them both and settled on her end of the couch and put her feet in Phil's lap. He rubbed her ankle with his free hand and they enjoyed the quiet.

"You could fly back to New York, sometime, if you wanted," Phil said casually. "See Steve?"

"If I was going to fly back it would be for the team, not for him."

"Oh?"

"Not leaving unless it is end of the world and even then, well the planet's had a good run," Melinda turned her page. "Besides what's Captain America really worth? I have everything I want, right here."

Phil smiled at her blindingly. "Yeah, me too," he agreed.

They went back to their books. 

"So who was ahead of me on that spank bank list?" Phil asked.

Melinda just threw a pillow at him.

 


	10. Chapter 10

"Phil, what's this?" Melinda held up the papers she had found.

Phil looked over. "Nothing," he said swiftly.

"Phil...are you thinking of getting a part time job at Bunnings, just for the discount?" Melinda crossed her arms and glared at him a little bit. "Because no. Just no."

"That's not why I grabbed that," Phil said. He sat at the kitchen table with coffee. "Little bit bored."

Melinda sat down beside him. "Me too," she admitted. They sat there and stared at the form. "You'd murder a customer eventually."

"I know. It's a really good discount though," he said. He made a paper airplane and sent it flying to the garbage. "3 weeks, I sort of expected someone else to drop by by now."

"Hmmmm," Melinda said. "I maybe had an idea for the backyard."

"Oh?"

"Pergola," she explained. "I don't want anything to enclosed, but a pergola or something that provides a bit of shade. I like doing my tai chi outside but it is so damn bright out." She made sure not to smile at the way Phil perked up at the idea of a new household project.

"I'm meeting Kelly and the guys for beers in two nights, we'll see about mocking something up," Phil promised. They heard a noise on the porch and went to investigate. Bobbi sat there proudly presenting her latest kill to them. "Thanks, sweetie," Phil told the cat who then marched off. "Melinda, please?"

"I'll clean up the dead animal, you go play with your sheep," Melinda agreed. Phil was so squeamish about animals and blood.

He went to the pen and shouted. "Dammit Stark stop standing on Natasha to feel tall."

Melinda rolled her eyes and went to get a bag.

*************************************************************

A couple beers in and there were five drawings on napkins and Phil and Kelly had talked costs. 

"You spoil the missus, Phil, hope you are getting some stuff in return," Kelly elbowed him and winked and all the guys roared.

"She makes the best soup," Phil agreed.

The guys all almost fell down laughing, figuring Phil was just playing it cool. They all had another beer and chatted about nothing in particular.

"Hey, Phil?" Kelly asked. "You know like martial arts and that crap right? You and the missus, being ex-military and all."

"Melinda is trained more than I. But yeah, she knows karate and judo, I do Brazilian jiu jitsu," Phil said carefully. "Why?"

One of the other guys chimed in, "Bunch of us have our kids in martial arts classes, and something about it feels wrong."

Phil leaned forward. "Wrong how?"

Kelly just shrugged. "Can't explain it. We were sort of hoping you and May could stop by and watch a class or two, see if we're just being crazy."

"Treat the boys and girls different, they do," the other guy said. "Feels like horseshit, but think we might be imagining it."

"When's the next class?" Phil asked.

"Tuesday, 7pm," Kelly said. "That's the one my girl is in."

"Sure, we'll stop by," Phil said.

"Thanks, mate."

***************************************************************

Phil and Melinda showed up to the dojo a few minutes early. They had done some quiet research and the instructors were well versed in what they taught, the place had a clean record, nothing in their search indicated a larger problem. Kelly saw them and waved. They walked over and he had a girl of about 5 or 6 with him. "Hey guys, this is Rachel."

"Hi, Rachel," Phil said and crouched down. "Do you like your karate lessons?"

"Hi," she said and gave him a wave. "I guess? It isn't as fun as I thought it would be."

Melinda looked down at her. "It isn't necessarily supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be rewarding. A chance to learn and grow and respect what your body is capable of."

"And it can be a little fun," Phil whispered. Rachel giggled.

They went into the room and Kelly pointed out a couple other kids, Rachel's friends and kids of his crew team. They sat in the parent chairs along the wall. "We're actually only allowed to sit in on one class a month. Says we cause too much of disruption."

Phil and Melinda didn't answer. They watched the instructor at the front with his assistant.

The kids were all being kids, spinninng about, laughing, playing.

The instructor screamed at them, and they all flinched and got in line. Phil could feel Melinda getting tense beside him. He put his hand on her thigh. They watched the class getting steadily angrier and angrier until Melinda just got up and walked out. At the end of the hour Rachel came over to her dad. "I'm sorry I am so stupid at learning," she said.

Kelly pulled her into a tight hug and looked at Phil.

"You aren't stupid," Phil promised. "Your instructor is though."

Rachel looked at Phil. "But he has a black belt."

"So do I," Phil said. "And so does - uh oh."

The front door slammed open and Melinda came back in and walked right up to the instructor and put her finger in his face. The guy had at least 8 inches and 100 pounds on her.

"Shit, know she's good, but this ain't going to go well. Should you help her?" Kelly asked Phil.

"You really haven't been paying attention have you?" Phil replied. "Rachel, look at Melinda's body what do you see?"

"She's short and Oriental," Rachel answered.

Phil smiled a little. "Okay, yes she's short. But she is American of Chinese descent, Oriental isn't really a great word. Use Asian if you aren't sure." Rachel nodded. "But I want you to look how she's standing. Her feet, her legs, her shoulders."

Rachel watched Melinda who was using a low voice to tear into the instructor. "She looks tense, all tight and stuff."

"She's ready," Phil explained. "She knows that he is aggressive and potentially a threat so look, balls of her feet ready to jump back, shoulders ready to twist away."

"But she should hit first," Rachel said. "Instructor always says hit first, take them down hard."

"No," Phil said firmly. "That isn't always the case. That is seldom the case."

Melinda was still laying into the man, Phil occasionally hearing words like discipline, respect, and sexist asshole. He smiled, he did love it when she was angry.

"Only hit when you have no other choice," Phil said to Rachel. "It isn't that you just have the skills to attack, you should be learning all the reasons to never lead with those skills. This isn't about learning to kick ass, it's about learning to respect your body and your opponents, that violence is the last resort."

They all watched the man try to intimidate Melinda and then when he couldn't he swung out and Melinda moved away.

"See, she could have put him on the ground, but she is proving a point."

"What point?"

"That you can still choose not to, that you can still walk away." Phil watched when the guy made a bigoted slur and another attack. This time Melinda responded and had him on the ground begging in a minute. "Only when there are no other avenues, do you destroy the other person."

"She's soooooo cool," Rachel said.

"She is," Phil agreed. "Coolest woman I've ever known." He looked at Kelly. "Pull your kid out of this class, this isn't martial arts, this is bullying."

"Thanks, Phil," Kelly said. He took his daughter out and Phil waited for Melinda to stop making the instructor cry.

They drove home, Melinda complaining the whole time, Phil happily listened. When they got in he made her soothing tea and sat her on the couch to watch an old musical.

"Tell me your friends are getting their children out of there," Melinda said when she wound down.

"Kelly for sure, bet a few others will follow."

Melinda finally relaxed and leaned against Phil. "I hate that."

"I know," Phil said. "I know." 

They watched the movie and fell asleep on the couch together.

********************************************

On Friday when Kelly and his crew drove up, Rachel was with them. "Sorry, mate, she and a day off school."

"Not a problem, we can hang out," Phil said easily. "Want to see the horses and sheep?"

"Where's the lady?"

Phil crouched down. "Melinda is in our personal gym, doing tai chi. You want to see?"

Rachel nodded and Phil held out his hand. Rachel took it after a go ahead from her dad. They walked through the house and went to the gym. Melinda was going through her routine, didn't even notice them really.

"It's so pretty," Rachel said.

"It strengthens your core, keeps you in touch with your body, helps you control how your limbs move," Phil said. "Not to my taste, but it helps her be focused for the day."

"I want to try," Rachel whispered.

"Go stand beside her and try to copy the movements." Phil nudged the girl forward.

Rachel went over and started to try to copy Melinda. Only Phil would have noticed that Melinda slowed down and exaggerated her motions, so that the girl could learn. Phil saw Melinda's small nod and went out to the guys to watch them dig post holes.

45 minutes later, they realized Rachel hadn't come back out. Usually if she was on the job with her dad she wanted to be involved. She even had a tiny hard hat and tool belt. "Mate, where's my girl?" Kelly asked.

"Come on," Phil said and they walked into the house.

Melinda was with Rachel and helping her position her arms. "Straighten your wrists. Your power isn't in your fists, it is in your shoulders." Melinda showed her a karate two punch and Rachel copied it. "Better," Melinda said and Rachel smiled. "Now again, move with me."

The men left them be. "I can pay 20 dollars a lesson," Kelly told Phil. "And my older boy, he's interesting in more boxing/mma stuff. That's sort of like your Brazilian whatcha call it, isn't it?"

"We aren't exactly teachers, Kelly," Phil said.

"You sure, you two sure sound awfully like them at times." Kelly looked at Phil and held out his hand. "My girl looked happy, Phil. Can't take that away can you?"

Phil sighed and shook the hand. "No I can't. Saturdays 9am. Just your kids. I have to convince Melinda about this. Though I know she loved training our kid."

"You'll convince her," Kelly said, sure of his friend.

The next day Kelly brought Rachel and her older brother Chris and Melinda and Phil were waiting for them.

The next week there were two other kids.

The week after Melinda put her foot down, only 5 kids per class per teacher.

Neither she nor Phil would quite admit how much they enjoyed the cries of "Ms M, Mr C, Hi!!!!!"

It was certainly better than part time work at the hardware store.

**********************************************

Tony walked into SHIELD carrying a small thumb stick. "Who needs cheering up?"

There were a dozen people at the conference table and 9 raised their hands. It had been a shitty week.

Tony grinned. "I may have had a drone spying on May and Coulson," he explained and jacked the drive in.

"Stark, we agreed," Nick began.

"No, I just nodded, that's not really an agreement." Tony pulled up the file. "And you need to see this."

Director Johnson squealed and then tried to sound professional. "Oh my god look at them," Daisy said.

Jemma actually cooed. "Oh my heavens, that is too cute."

Melinda stood outside, 5 tiny little girls all around her all doing their karate lessons. A little ways away Phil had three boys and two girls, all a bit older attacking bags that had been strung up outside.

"This is the best," Clint said. They all watched Melinda clearly trying to teach the little girls stealth as they crept up on Phil who pretended to be focused on his teaching and went down dramatically under the tiny assault. Melinda was grinning and soon all the kids were packing up giving high fives and waves as they left.

Melinda and Phil looked so happy. Phil slung an arm over Melinda's shoulder.

"Oh just realize you are in love already," Fitz yelled at the screen. They all turned and looked at him. "Well, come on, we were all thinking it."

Nick nodded. "Time to engage operation romance."

The whole table cheered.


	11. Chapter 11

"May!" Phil yelled as he ran into the house. He hit the kitchen counter in a specific spot and a false panel fell down and he retrieved the gun underneath. "Threat level 3." He looked around and May wasn't running. He then heard the water. Shower. He didn't think and ran into the bathroom. After the barest knock on the door he stepped in. "May, a threat."

And then he remembered that the shower cubicle was all glass.

He turned around quickly. "May," he said staring at the robe hanging on the back of the door.

"Jesus Phil, what happened?" Melinda turned off the water and stepped out onto the mat dripping. She grabbed the towel off the toilet tank and the knife that was hidden back there. "Sit rep." She wrapped the towel around herself and let her hair drip ready to fight.

"My sheep are missing. I got back from Bunnings and -"

"You were going for groceries, why did you stop at Bunnings?" she asked.

"Bunnings girl had texted about a secret fire sale in the store," he said. He checked the gun and kept staring at the wall. "Got home, put some stuff away and went to check on the animals, and my sheep are missing. I will gut anyone who hurt Stark sheep."

"Knew you loved him," she said. "You arranged for them to be taken to be sheared. I signed off when they came. The sheep will be back day after tomorrow. Why does Bunnings girl have your number?" Melinda asked.

"In case of sales, she lets me know ahead of time," Phil said. "I think I'm the reason she's gotten that promotion." Phil was still staring at the door. "I didn't say goodbye."

"To Bunnings girl?" Melinda adjusted the towel and put the knife away.

"What? No, to the sheep," Phil's tone was mournful. "They don't know I love them. They'll think they are abandoned."

"Right," Melinda dropped the towel and turned the water back on and stepped back in. "Phil, they'll be back tomorrow." He was still staring at the door. "Phil, talk to me."

"I am," he replied.

She sighed. "Phil we've seen each other naked. Lots."

"Decon showers and field surgery."

"Yeah? So? Just breasts," Melinda said. She had never been body shy.

"There is nothing 'just' about you," Phil said softly and left the room. Melinda stayed under the shower along time not sure if she had heard him right.

Phil was staring at his empty pen when she went to bring him in for dinner. "Day after tomorrow," she reminded him and then sat on the fence next to him.

"What if they get cold? Shearing has to make them cold," Phil said. "Did you make sure they took their favourite blankets from the barn?"

"No," she said. "They'll be fine, Phil. And you'll get wool, you wanted to learn to knit," she reminded him.

"I didn't get to say goodbye," he repeated.

Melinda looked at him. "To the sheep or to the kids?" she asked. Phil shrugged a little. "It's been months," she pointed out. "And goodbyes...we don't say them much in our line of work."

"We should," he answered. "We should say goodbye. Not just walk away, disappear several floors down and pretend hey we didn't leave our best friend alone and barely acknowledge each other in the cafeteria and -"

"Phil," Melinda wrapped an arm around him. "Phil."

"It's fine. Been years," Phil dismissed. "How many times didn't we say goodbye to each other?"

"Plenty." They stared at the empty pen. "Not going to say goodbye to you," she said.

"It would be nice," he replied.

"A goodbye implies that I would be leaving your side again, and that isn't happening," Melinda tightened her grip on him just a little bit. "Not saying goodbye, because it isn't going to happen."

Phil leaned into her a little. "Oh." They got down off the fence and went in for dinner.

************************************

Phil giggled. An actual giggle. Melinda looked up from her book. "Bunnings girl, sent a funny Captain America meme," he said. He was giggling as he texted back.

Melinda felt the paper crumple under her fingers a little bit. There were about 10 texts a day and he got a stupid grin on his face.

"Bunnings girl is about Daisy's age isn't she?" Melinda asked casually. 

"Hmm, yeah," Phil agreed.

"Substitute?"

"For what?" he asked. He laughed as he typed and then put his phone down. "What movie are we watching tonight?"

"Fatal Attraction," Melinda said.

"No! I can't cope with the bunny scene," Phil pouted. "Bad enough when Bobbi brings us a dead bunny."

Melinda looked at him. "Fine, On the Town." 

Phil grinned and kissed her cheek. "Thanks, Melly mine."

They snuggled in on the couch and Melinda tried to ignore the two more texts he got.

**************************************

They were out for a walk in town and all of a sudden Melinda heard a perky "Hi!" from behind them. They turned around.

Bunnings girl.

"Hey there," Phil said. He looked at his watch. "Aren't you usually working about now?"

"Day off," she said cheerfully. "What are you up to?"

"Wool should be all processed soon. Getting some knitting needles and books," Phil said happily.

"Oh!" Bunnings girl rifled through her bag. She pulled out a small paper and handed it to Phil and smiled up at him sweetly. "I have a coupon for the craft store. You can have it, I wasn't going to use it."

Phil was gleeful. Melinda thought about snapping her neck. "Thanks!" he said. "Look Melinda 15% off your whole purchase, even sale items. Let's go."

Bunnings girl touched Phil's arm. "See you soon." She leaned forward, "Those tiles you've been eyeing are going on sale next week." She winked and gave his arm a squeeze and walked on by.

Phil moved them in the direction of the craft store. "Tiles?" Melinda asked.

"Hmm?" Phil was staring at the fine print on his coupon. "Oh! Yeah. New ones in. For a project. Surprise."

Melinda nodded and let him loose in the craft store. She decided she needed to have a talk with Bunnings girl.

***************************************

Melinda walked into Bunnings and looked around. Phil was having an extra class with his students today and she had some free time. She walked around and pretended she was buying a couple items. And hell, she needed a new shower caddy anyways.

And there was Bunnings girl.

"Hello," Melinda went up to her.

"Oh, hi. Did Phil send you in for the tiles?" Bunnings girl asked. "That's weird."

"No he didn't," Melinda said. "I'm here to talk to you."

"Okay," she said easily. "Working on a project, I can direct you."

"You'll have to ask him out."

Bunnings girl was confused. "I don't understand."

"He's gun shy and crap at asking people for dates. He likes Italian, and mini golf, but not movies for a first date. You already know he loves Captain America, but don't ask him what the guy is really like. Definitely don't talk about Tony Stark." Melinda took a breath. "He wishes someone would send him flowers. And he's allergic to snails. And -"

"Wow. Wait wait wait," Bunnings girl said. "You look mad."

"I'm not mad," Melinda said. "I'm helping my Phil." Melinda paused. "My friend Phil. I am helping my friend Phil."

"What's my name?" she asked and covered her name tag.

"Tabitha," Melinda said.

She smiled. "He has no clue. I've seen his phone, I'm in there as 'Bunnings Girl'. He's never called me Tabitha."

Melinda paused. "There has been an increase in your texts to him, and you have touched him 3 times."

"Right, but you aren't mad."

"Phil will be happy. Your texts make him happy. Maybe dating you will make him happy. So you will ask him out and follow the instructions I give you."

"He's been helping me hook up with the girl who works the garden shop," Tabitha explained. "She likes all that Avengers stuff. He's been helping me learn."

"Oh," Melinda said.

"Yeah," Tabitha looked at her. "Jesus they said you two were gone on each other, but they couldn't have anticipated this."

Melinda took a step forward. "They?"

Tabitha gulped a little. "No one."

"No, I think it is someone," Melinda said and stepped closer. "Tell me."

"A guy in a goatee sent me a boatload of money and told me to flirt with Phil to make you jealous," she explained. "Only it was supposed to make you stake your claim, not have you come in here and offer Phil up." 

"Stark?" 

Tabitha thought about it. "Holy shit, that was Tony Stark that bribed me." She looked at Melinda. "Do I have to give the money back? Because I kind of need it to fix my car."

"No," Melinda said. "But dial it back."

"Yes ma'am," Tabitha agreed quickly, a bit scared. Okay a lot scared.

Melinda nodded and decided to leave. This was enough humiliation for one day.

"Ma'am?" Tabitha asked. "The tiles he wants? Those are for a special project for you." Tabitha smiled, "you could take your own advice, take him out for mini golf."

Melinda just left.

*****************************************

"Hey, Melinda?" Phil walked into the kitchen, hands behind his back. 

"Hey, Phil, whatcha hiding?" she asked, knowing it was what he wanted.

Phil brought out the tray. "For when you take your tea outside," he said. "Laying the tile pattern was a bitch, but think it looks pretty good. Right?" He had tiled the bottom himself with these barely an inch square tiles in a swirl of greys and blues, with the barest hint of a pink shimmer to them. "I had seen these tiles in the catalogue and they reminded me of you."

Melinda took the tray and ran her fingers over them. "It's beautiful, Phil," she said.

He reached into his back pocket. "Couple matching coasters too." He bounced a little. "Happy six months in Australia, Melly mine."

Melinda realized he was right. They had been here six months and she hadn't noticed. "We should go out for dinner," she said abruptly. "Italian."

"Kelly recommended a place a while back. I'll book us a table." Phil sauntered out of the kitchen whistling.

Melinda put on a dress for the night out.

*****************************************

"Ha!" Tony shouted as a group of them watched Melinda and Phil in the restaurant. "Jealousy works every time."

"No," Daisy said. "Look at them. No hand holding, no longing glances." She pointed. "Like any dinner for them. Not good enough."

"May is in a dress, though," Jemma said. "That's rather unusual."

"Casual May dresses like a girl sometimes," Clint said. "Not that indicative of date."

"There is a candle on the table. Total date," Tony said. "Because I made it happen. Because I am a romance god."

"Pepper's birthday was two days ago," Clint said.

Tony paled. "Shit."

"It isn't for another month," Daisy said.

"Jeez, little sis, don't ruin my fun," Clint pouted. "Oh look leaving." He pointed at the screen. Phil and Melinda left the restaurant and were as they always are. "Sorry, Tony, your plan failed. Who's next on the list?"

Daisy pulled up her operation romance spreadsheet.

*****************************************

Melinda drank her morning tea outside with her pretty new tray.

She heard the truck pull up and Phil talking. He came around the side of the house, a huge bouquet in his hands. "What'd you do Melinda?" He was grinning, blindingly happy before he buried his head in the flowers.

"Happy six months, Phil," she said and sipped her tea as he took them into the house babbling about finding the perfect spot. 


	12. Chapter 12

"Phil," Melinda sat him down carefully at the kitchen table and sat across from him, her deadliest face on. "Phil," she repeated.

"It's not crazy!" he said swiftly. He tried to glare at her and then sort of wilted. "They might be cold."

"Phil, sheep are sheared," she said. "If God didn't want them sheared, he wouldn't have made them sheep."

"I always pictured you in the Yul Brynner role," Phil said. "Of course I'm Steve Mother Fucking McQueen. Who do you think Daisy would be?' He hoped the distraction might work.

"Phil, your sheep are in sweaters."

"They were naked!"

"Phil."

"Stop saying my name like that, it is freaking me out," Phil said and crossed his arms. "Your horses have blankets."

"Yes, they do. Actual horse blankets for if it is ever cold enough to warrant them. Phil you put your sheep in their namesakes sweaters from one of those cheap online order places."

"The arc reactor glows in the dark on the Stark sheep sweater," Phil added and then bit his tongue. He stood up. "I don't have to explain myself to you." He stuck out his chin a little and started for the door. He wouldn't pause or freeze, he was ready to die on this hill. He made it to the door.

"Phil." He could hear her break and try not to laugh at him. "The quiver on the back of the Hawkeye one is facing the wrong way."

He growled a little. "I know, I sent like five stern emails but they didn't listen. And with buying the three I got a -"

"A discount," she was definitely laughing now. "Go play with your sheep."

Phil went out to the pen and smiled as Clint and Natasha came over. "Hello beauties," he said. "You look quite stylish in your sweaters, and I bet nice and warm and cozy and better for them no matter what Melinda says." He looked over at Stark sheep. "How did you even get it off?" he shouted. He watched Stark drag it through mud and then push it to the other side of the fence. He gave it is best unimpressed look. "I didn't miss you at all while you were gone." Clint nuzzled him and bleated. Phil smiled and hugged the sheep. He really loved them. "You just wait, I'm going to be awesome at knitting and then you can wear your fleece again."

***********************************

"Melly, are these written in like Asgaardian or something?" Phil stared at the book in his lap and the mess that was his second row of knitting. "Because it makes zero sense."

"Phil, if you ask me to help you knit, I will kill you," Melinda said, working on her lesson plans for the weekend. Her girls were doing great and she wanted to work on kicks with them.

"But I needed a hobby," he said. "And my babies made super soft wool. Feel it." He jammed the ball into her face.

"Bet the softest is Stark," she said pushing the ball away.

"You know my Clint is the softest," he made a face and felt all the yarn and checked the note that was sent with it. "Son of a bitch that is Stark. Evil bastard sheep." He took apart the knitting and started over for the sixth time. 

Melinda was just about to ask his opinion on her class plans when one of their parameter alarms went off. They put their work down and grabbed a couple guns. They went out their back door and Phil went forward and Melinda faded into the evening shadows.

Phil kept walking forward to the area that was triggered and couldn't see anyone. He stayed very still and listened. There was nothing. He waited, calm, centered. "Just come out," he said. He looked to the scrub that wouldn't provide a lot of cover in the day but enough in the night. "Trust me, you want to deal with me and not option 2."

"I don't know," Bobbi said standing up. "I like watching May hit Hunter."

"Babe, that's not - OW! May you knew it was me," Hunter said.

"You didn't come out," Melinda replied. She brought the two forward to Phil.

"I hear you make a great breakfast," Bobbi said.

Phil put his gun at the small of his back and hugged her tight. "I really do." She hugged him back just as tight.

Hunter stood there and reached for Melinda. She put her gun against his head. "Fair enough," he said. "So, bed? We're knackered."

"Tromping through the bush in an attempt to surprise us will do that" Phil said. "Come on then."

"Clint said you had gotten soft," Bobbi shrugged. "Just wanted to check it out."

Melinda and Phil exchanged a look. Melinda nodded and Phil pulled out his phone and sent a quick message and put it away again. "Okay," Phil clapped his hands. "Melly mine tends to go for a ride at 6am, I cook breakfast at 7:30. Tomorrow being your first morning, waffles will be on the menu. Lunch you are on your own. Dinner will be whatever Melinda cooks. You have your own bathroom. Feel free to borrow any movies, books, and the gym. I have a binder in the guestroom with lists of activities in town and the good bars and restaurants."

"You've been waiting to give that spiel, haven't you?" Bobbi asked as they made it to the porch.

"I really have," Phil agreed. Melinda just rolled her eyes. Phil fussed over Bobbi and Hunter a bit and Melinda decided to go to her room and let them all be.

The next morning Bobbi was by the barn when Melinda went out. "Is the barn cat really named after me?" Bobbi asked.

Melinda smiled a little but didn't say anything. She readied both horses and they rode out. Bobbi wasn't nearly as good as Steve, but she wasn't bad. Melinda offered a few quiet tips and watched as Bobbi adjusted a little. Better. They rode to the end of the property and Melinda stopped. They stared out at the open land. "You two weren't who I was expecting," Melinda said.

Bobbi shrugged. "We just finished a heavy job and needed a break. Daisy had forwarded us Fury's email about this place. A few days of quiet seemed smart."

"Injured?"

"Few bruises," Bobbi dismissed. "It's good to see you, May."

Yeah, Bobbi was lying. She was never as good as she thought. She was good, but Melinda, even retired Melinda, was better.

"Waffles," was all Melinda said and turned her horse to home. They got them taken care of and Bobbi met Bobbi who delivered a mouse to Melinda proudly. Melinda dealt with the mess and they went into the house where Phil was making breakfast and Hunter was bitching about some Australian rugby team. Phil and Melinda exchanged a look when Bobbi went over to sit and kissed Hunter's head as she sat down.

They all sat to eat and talked about nothing in particular and Melinda and Phil watched the two be affectionate.

And not bicker or snipe.

Something was definitely going on.

******************************************

It was two days of Bobbi and Hunter being all cozy and romantic and Phil and Melinda were hiding in the barn.

"LMDs?" Phil asked. They were both readying a great deal of weapons.

Melinda shook her head. "LMDs wouldn't fuck up this much. Alien spore?"

"No noticeable physical difference in appearance or smell. Bobbi switched to a more citrusy shampoo but not enough variance. Brainwashing?" Phil checked his taser and a couple other things. Melinda finished loading up.

"Logical," Melinda decided. "We need to move fast, get them secured and then call in SHIELD."

"Agreed," Phil nodded and they went back to the house. They walked into the living room casually and Phil forgot the protocol they were going to follow and just pulled his gun. "Where the fuck are the real Bobbi and Hunter?" He stared at Bobbi's feet in Hunter's lap and Hunter...Hunter was knitting with the yarn from Natasha and doing a really great job.

"So much for a subtle drop on them," Melinda said and pulled her own gun. "Both of you hands up and against the wall."

"Jesus, dropping my rating of this place," Hunter said.

"Hunter," Bobbi stood up slowly. "We are Bobbi and Hunter, we use to work with you. You are retired and in Australia," she said softly hands up.

"We aren't having a nervous breakdown or a PTSD moment Bobbi," Phil said, gun steady. "It is clear you are either brainwashed or aliens."

"How is that clear?" Hunter asked. "How is that clear at all?"

"You're being nice to each other," Melinda said. "Now face the wall."

"We're married of course we're nice to each other," Bobbi said. Phil and Melinda just gave her a look. "Ugh, fine. Hunter we can chill."

"Oh thank fuck, you know I hate when you put your feet on me Bobs, what the hell?" Hunter.

"Well you were the idiot calling me darling and dearest," she snapped back. "Oversell much?"

Phil and Melinda relaxed a bit. "So it was a game?" he asked.

Hunter and Bobbi both tried for casual. "Yup, see how on your toes you still are," Bobbi said.

Phil and Melinda's guns came back up. "Try again," Melinda said.

"We can't tell you," Hunter said.

"That really the road you want to go down?" Phil asked.

"Sorry, sir, but yeah. We were asked to be lovey dovey and all that. Not going to tell you by who, or why. Just that there wasn't an evil plot behind it," Hunter was still holding up his hands.

"Fine," Phil lowered his gun. "But no more hot breakfasts for either of you. Liars don't get pancakes." He put the gun away. "Now how the fuck is your knitting looking so good?"

Hunter smiled see. "See you were going with a Continental hold, always go English mate," he explained. He and Phil sat down and Hunter began knitting lessons.

"I need a drink," Bobbi said. "My jaw hurts from all this smiling."

Melinda put her weapon away too and went to the wall and opened up the bar.

"God bless you, May, that is a beautiful sight," Bobbi said. They went onto the porch to drink in silence, the knitting lesson creeping them both out.

************************************

Bobbi and Hunter were much more themselves after that. Still affectionate but it was them affectionate. Bickering, and smacking each other.

And they were still there for the weekend classes.

"She's so tall," Rachel said staring at Bobbi. "She's a tree."

"That gives her an advantage," Melinda agreed. "How do we counter it?"

A couple girls raised their hands and Melinda listened to all their ideas and lead them through their paces, Bobbi helping in spots.

Phil's class all just stared at Hunter. "Why'd we get him and not the amazon?" one of the boys asked.

"Because Hunter is good at sneaky fighting," Phil said. "Bobbi is better in every way -"

"Cheers, mate," Hunter said and the whole class laughed.

"But he's used to be underestimated and turning that to his advantage," Phil explained. "He's clever and a bit of a bastard."

"You said to always fight with honour," one of the girl's chimed in.

"That's true," Phil replied. "But if it is a choice between honour and walking away when backed into a corner, I want you to choose walking away. So Hunter how do we get out of a corner?" 

Hunter showed Phil's students a couple tricks about leverage and cheating and Phil incorporated them into his standard lesson. Soon all the time passed quickly. 

"Can we see you two fight?" the oldest boy in Phil's class asked. "Just to get a good idea?" All the kids eagerly nodded and began to chant "Spar!"

Phil and Hunter looked at each other and grinned and stepped away from the kids and began to circle each other. There was feints and punches and Phil occasionally explaining stuff to the students, how moves were working, what to look for and then Hunter lunged and got Phil to the ground.

Melinda didn't think just reacted to hearing Phil's grunt as he hit the floor. She ran and rolled and had Hunter off of Phil and in an arm bar in ten seconds. Hunter tapped out quickly.

"Wow," all the kids stared at Melinda in awe.

Phil sat up and grinned. "A good rule of thumb is to also have a best friend who is the fiercest person in the universe."

"The universe, sir?" a girl asked.

"Okay at least three planets," Phil said.

"She isn't better than Black Widow," the girl said.

Phil leaned forward to his class. "Can you keep a secret?" he whispered. They all nodded. "Who do you think in part trained Widow?" The class all gasped and Melinda ignored it and went back to her girls and the trying not to laugh Bobbi.

******************************************

One morning Phil woke up and just knew his house was empty. He padded into Melinda's room and crawled into the bed. "They didn't say goodbye," he said.

Melinda wrapped herself around him, big spoon and cuddled him. "They wouldn't have," she said.

"They could have," he replied.

"Phil," she said and kissed his head. "You can't change people. What they are accustomed to."

"We changed."

"We did," she agreed. They both drifted off again, her holding him tight.

When they went out to the living room there were three knitted sweaters and a bottle of whisky on the living room table.

Phil smiled. "Oh, they did say goodbye after all." He touched the sweaters. "Can't wait to put them on the guys."

"You could come for a ride with me," Melinda offered. "First, if you like."

Phil looked at her. "I would love to."

******************************************

"That was your plan?" Daisy glared at Jemma. "That was a stupid plan."

They were all in the back room of a bar since Bobbi and Hunter couldn't step foot on SHIELD property.

"It was a fine plan, they just botched it," Jemma said.

"They thought we were pod people," Bobbi said. "Having us act all annoying rom com couple to have it rub off of then, wasn't the soundest idea."

"I just thought, they saw a couple sort of like them, managing to be affectionate, they'd realize they could drop their defenses and do the same," Jemma said. "It was a good idea."

"Sorry, hun, but it really wasn't," Clint said. His hair was purple and glittery. "And thanks for selling me out by the way. This stuff isn't washing out. It has been two weeks." He still didn't know who or how Phil pulled this off.

Bobbi made kissy face at her ex and Clint flipped her off. 

"Hate to point this out, but has anyone thought they are happy the way they are?" Hunter asked.

"I don't get it," Daisy said after a minute. Everyone in the room nodded.

"Well, it's Coulson and May," Hunter said. "Shouldn't we just trust them to figure it out on their own? They seemed really happy. A good rhythm, content. Why are we messing with that?" 

A few people started to talk and then closed their mouths, dumbfounded.

Natasha stepped out of the shadows. "Because they could be happier if they just saw what was in front of them. We know that Phil knows he loves Melinda, and that Melinda is aware of what Phil is to her. They just have to step forward and acknowledge that to each other."

"But how do we get them to do that?" Daisy asked.

Natasha smiled and Clint groaned. "Oh shit, when this goes to hell, Phil is going to find a way to turn me completely purple."


	13. Chapter 13

"Natasha, I'd like to formally register that this is a dumb as fuck idea," Clint said as the Quinjet set down on the landing strip in Alice Springs. "We should have cleared this with Fury."

"Fury isn't in charge of us anymore," she pointed out. "This will work."

"This will blow up in our faces," Clint said. 

"Just follow my lead and keep your mouth shut," Natasha said. They hopped on two motorcycles that they had loaded into the jet and rode out to the B&B. Natasha looked at the house once they got there. "This is really domestic."

"They are retired. They've earned this," Clint said.

"We don't retire," she replied. She walked up to the door and knocked.

Phil was the one to answer and grinned at them. "Natasha, I've missed you." He reached out to hug her and then paused. "What's wrong?" 

"The Director of SHIELD has gone missing," Natasha said impassive, implacable as Phil remembered. She watched him pale and grip the door frame.

"Melinda, Plan Q," he shouted and shut the door in Natasha's face.

"This is...call it off Natasha," Clint whispered. "Mom and Dad don't need this."

"Did you just call them Mom and Dad?" Natasha looked at Clint.

"No I called them May and...something that wasn't Dad," Clint said. "I should have stopped this."

"This will work," Natasha said. "They need a push. Trauma over a loved one is an effective push."

Clint sat on his bike and shook his head. He knew fuck all about love, just ask his exes, but he knew this was just wrong and they were all going to pay for it. But that love track record was the reason that no one had listened to him. Fury would have, maybe, but he was doing his I like to be mysterious and disappear thing. And the kids were all in awe of Natasha and agreed too quickly. And who knew, maybe this would be the push they needed. But more and more he thought maybe Hunter had been right, they needed to get there on their own.

Phil and Melinda walked out of the house calmly, carrying a couple bags. Phil locked the door and put the key under the third frog. "For Kelly, he's going to take care of the sheep and horses," Phil explained. He paused as if to go to the barn but kept himself forward. 

"Move," Melinda said and Clint quickly got off his bike to ride behind Natasha. And wasn't it a trip watching Phil get on and ride bitch behind Melinda. They drove fast to the airport and the Quinjet was back in the air within ninety minutes of landing.

Clint got them flying, Melinda beside him, Phil reading the report that Natasha had handed him. "I'm sorry about this," Clint said.

"Daisy would have chafed behind a desk the whole time," Melinda said. "Not surprising she took a field mission. And she is like Phil, so of course it went to shit."

"Not every mission where Phil was boots on the ground went to shit," Clint offered.

"You didn't work with him the last few years," she replied.

"What was it like? Being rag tag? Back together? You two were always spoken of in whispers." When he had visited they hadn't actually talked of the work that Phil and Melinda had been up to the last few years.

"We got more wrong than right," Melinda said finally. "But what we got right, we really got right."

"What was right?" Clint banked the jet a little. 

Melinda looked at him. "Daisy. Icer guns, saving the world." Melinda looked out the window. "Retiring together."

Clint cursed in several languages in his head. "Melinda," he began but was interrupted by Natasha coming up. 

"Phil wants to go over the files with you, wants to be ready to work when we land," Natasha said. Melinda nodded and went back. "Clint, do not fuck this up before it can work," Natasha warned.

"It was fucked up before it started," Clint muttered.

Melinda went and sat next to Phil. He handed her the papers that Natasha had given him. "Paper?" Melinda gave him a look.

"Want you to read it clean," Phil said. He slumped down in the seat a little bit and let himself catnap while she read. He had his opinions on this and was curious if hers would line up. Right now he was furious but he wasn't sure who to aim that anger at. Not Melinda and with the way he kept looking at them not Clint. The guy always had been an open book for Phil. And Clint was nervous and not in a comrade has been kidnapped way, but in an oh shit parents caught me sneaking back in way.

Melinda read and then read again. "Hmmm," was all she said.

"Yup," Phil agreed.

"You think?"

"Don't you?" 

"Probably," she agreed.

"Mad?" he asked.

"Very."

"Me too."

Melinda nodded a little. "Well we might as well let this play out. They've probably put a lot of work into this."

"Do you kind of feel like a parent at a shitty Christmas concert? Like we should wave and then tell them we can see how hard they tried?" Phil asked. "Christ this is insulting. They could have just asked us to come in and consult a bit. If Daisy asked directly we would have come."

"I know," Melinda settled in and leaned her head back. "Might as well get some shut eye."

"We should fret, we can't sell our performance if we don't fret." Phil decided to get up and pace a little. Pacing would look authentic. And he was fretting about his sheep a little. He knew Kelly would arrange decent care for them. But still. He didn't get to say goodbye. He was going to chew so many of them out over this. Or better, he'd let Melinda do it. That would learn them. He settled in next to her. "You asleep?"

"Yes," she said, eyes staying closed.

"I'm really mad."

Melinda just took his hand and held it as they both drifted off.

Natasha was downright smug. "See, working already."

Clint just shook his head. Flames. This was all going down in flames.

*****************************************

The new SHIELD offices in New York looked good. Phil took them in as they were hustled through to a conference room. Jemma and Fitz were in there, and Elena, but no Mack. But that was right, he was 'missing' too. Stark was there as well.

"Huh, guess you really are alive. Thought maybe it was a fever dream of Clint and Cap." Tony smiled at him. "Hear I have a namesake."

Phil glowered at him. "You are being awfully cavalier about the director of SHIELD being missing," Phil said.

"Yeah, Stark," Natasha agreed pointedly.

Tony just grinned more. "When do I sweat anything?" he held open his hands.

Clint looked at Jemma. "Any word?"

She squeaked a little and Phil and Melinda sighed. Years and she still panicked before settling into a lie. "No, Hawkeye. We've been searching but there is just no sign of the Director or of Mack." 

"I trust we have video of when they went missing?"

Fitz nodded and put some blurry images up on the screen. Phil watched with his most serious face. "Portal. They got sucked through a portal." 

"Near as we can tell from energy readings, it wasn't inter dimensional, they are still somewhere on Earth," Jemma said.

"Melinda and I need showers," Phil said. "Show us to our quarters so we can reset a bit and then get to work."

"Quarters are pretty tight right now," Natasha explained. "You two don't mind bunking down together?"

"No," Melinda said. Her voice was curt and her face cold. Jemma and Fitz both paled a bit. "Show us," she ordered and Elena got up and lead them to their space. She opened her mouth and then just nodded and walked away.

Phil and Melinda checked out the quarters and destroyed the cameras and bugs. Phil set up a white noise machine that would jam any frequencies of whatever they missed. They went into the bathroom and Melinda turned on the shower.

"Thoughts?" she asked as they stood there.

"They are playing us, like we thought," Phil said. "But I think we are reading the why wrong."

"The pieces don't fit together like I thought they would," Melinda said. "And lazy work. A portal? That was worse CGI than the latest Jurassic Dinosaur movie. And one bunk. Really?"

"So the big question, Melly mine is do we play along or just end this?" Phil asked.

"It's loud here," Melinda said. "And we have those special classes for the kids in three days. Whatever they are doing, they won't let it be a quick fix."

The room was getting humid and Phil brushed the hair off her forehead where it stuck a little. "Less than a day and I miss home."

"Me too, it was going to be my night to pick the movie."

"It's always your night to pick the movie. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Melinda smiled at him. "Let's get this done."

They turned off the water and left the assigned quarters and walked back to the conference room. They opened the door without knocking and saw Clint and Tony playing cards. And Phil who had calmed down a little bit, felt like he could Hulk out he was so furious. "Get Daisy in here, right now," he said, the words bitten out from a jaw clenched tight.

"Sir," Jemma began.

"No," Phil said. "I don't want to hear it. We were going to play along but you don't even respect us enough to keep up the charade 24/7?" His voice was rising. "You create a shitty file with dozens of story holes in it. Clint can't look me in the eye, Jemma still can't lie to us, and you fake a crappy video. We aren't doing this. Get her in here now." No one moved. Phil slammed his prosthetic hand down and it broke through the table. "NOW!!!!" he roared.

Fitz scrambled and dropped his tablet in his haste to send a message. "They'll be here in twenty," he said after a moment. "Sir," he added. He looked at May whose calm scared him a lot more than Phil's yelling. "It was the Black Widow's idea," he said quickly.

Phil looked over at Natasha who was leaning against the back wall. "Was it?" His tone was something that the people in the room, even Tony who had always annoyed him so much had barely heard before. Or at least never directed at them.

"Phil," Melinda said softly.

He nodded and drew himself back and settled into a chair. "We'll wait for the others. Daisy and Mack and whoever else is scheming against Melinda and I."

Clint picked up his phone and sent out a few messages.

Within forty minutes the room was rather full of people. Avengers, Agents of SHIELD. Nick was missing, Bobbi and Hunter but otherwise it was a packed crowd.

"Coulson?" Daisy asked.

"Director Johnson, if you had wanted our aid, you could have just asked us, instead of all this run around or whatever you have been playing at," Phil began.

"Nah been fine since you sent me Fury and the big bro," Daisy answered unthinkingly. Melinda grew battle ready still behind where Phil sat. Daisy realized what she said and tried to cover. "I mean -"

Phil held up his hand. "So this was something else. Some other game," he said.

"It isn't a game. We just want you to be happy," Natasha said.

"No, my friend Natasha would have wanted me to be happy. This was Black Widow wanting some sort of victory at any cost," Phil snapped. "Textbook really for you. Since you don't have any emotions of your own, play on those other people have."

"Hey," Clint said. "Phil that's too far." Natasha wasn't reacting at all, but he knew those words from Phil, would cut deep.

"No, I don't think it is far enough," Melinda said. "If it were up to me, this wouldn't be a conversation at all. He wanted you to have a chance. I'm ready to cut all of you out of our lives forever. Go where none of you find us ever again. And never spare a thought for you."

Daisy paled at that. "May," she began.

"No," Phil stepped in. "I get it. Widow makes you believe in her plans, it is her job. And she's good at it. But somewhere in you, you knew this was a bad idea. And you ignored that and pushed ahead. You were willing to let us be scared, be worried, be ready to give up everything we had to come to see you safe. For your own amusement." Phil looked around the room at everyone. "Everyone in here I considered a friend. Family. And right now, I never want to see anyone of you again."

"Phil," Natasha stepped forward.

Phil shook his head. "We aren't your toys. Or pawn pieces, or whatever you think we are. We and Phil Coulson and Melinda May and we have earned our rest. How dare all of you fuck up the one good thing she and I have ever built?" He couldn't look at them anymore and stormed out of the room. 

No one could quite make eye contact with Melinda. She went to the door and instead of following him out closed it gently with her still with everyone. She turned and faced them.

"Shit, we're all dead," Clint said. He looked up to see if he could make the air vents before she let loose.

"I don't recommend it," she warned him. Clint sank back into his chair.

Melinda looked at every single person in the room. "Some of you know more than others what I am capable of," she began in a perfectly calm voice. "But you don't know everything I am capable of. But if you interfere in our lives again, you will find out." The temperature in the room dropped several degrees just from her tone of voice. "I know what all of you were doing."

Daisy opened her mouth and shut it quickly as Melinda looked at her.

"I know what you were doing," she repeated. "He hasn't and it is doubtful he will because he can't look at it like I can. He will forgive you eventually because he is Phil and that is what he does. He has limitless capacity for forgiveness and affection and love." She smiled at them and the people in there, who had all saved the world and faced hell were terrified. "I do not. Our hearts are not your playthings. You will not contact us for a while. And you will never expect me to look at any of you with respect again."

"You deserve happy ever after," Jemma said bravely into the silence.

Melinda stared at her. "What made you think we didn't have that?"

She left the room to follow Phil.

"I kinda need to cry now," Daisy said. Clint went over and pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back. 

He glared at Natasha who looked abashed. "I'll fix it," Natasha said.

"No you won't," Mack said from the back where he had been quiet this whole time. "None of us are fixing anything or doing anything else. No spying, no plotting, no nothing. Not until they reach out to us."

"May will never reach out. She hates us," Fitz said. Jemma gripped his hand.

"Coulson will talk her down, he always does," Mack said. 

"Did we screw them up?" Daisy asked wiping her face, embarrassed that she had broken down like that.

"I dunno," Clint said. "Guess we'll see."

*******************************************************

It took Phil and Melinda 38 hours to get home and Kelly was just finishing up checking on everything. He smiled at them. "That was quick, mate," he said.

"False alarm," Phil said "Small emergency blown out of proportion."

"Well, glad you are back. Rachel was a little worried about missing classes with that big competition coming up."

"Wouldn't miss it," Melinda told him. "But we are really jet lagged."

Kelly gave them a nod. "See you folks later."

Melinda and Phil waved him off and went into the house. Phil stood in the living room and looked lost. 

"Phil?" she asked.

He shook his head and went to his bedroom and closed the door.

Melinda went to the kitchen and made a snack and had to throw it out, she couldn't eat. She stopped outside his door and put a hand on it. Didn't knock, just leaned for a moment. She couldn't hear any noise and after a couple minutes went to her own room. She was exhausted from the travel and all the emotions. It was hours before she fell into a fitful sleep, wondering what would happen next.


	14. Chapter 14

"So, fight with the missus?" Kelly asked as the guys all stared at Phil. "Happens, mate, you say sorry and beg forgiveness even if you didn't cock up. Just easier that way."

Phil shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "It's...we didn't fight. External forces fucked up our rhythms." He nodded sadly. "And I am still trying to work something out. And I know she has, because other than that time I was building a hellicarrier behind her back she always figures everything out. Do you know it always takes me longer to figure her out? Working with Fury, being a robot, going back to her ex, that one took the longest to figure out."

"Ouch mate, she dropped you to go back to her ex?" Kelly was sympathetic.

"Yeah, but you know he became an evil monster and well..." Phil shrugged.

"No way did some guy abuse May," one of the guys said.

"No, burned out the hearts of a bunch of folks, the bodies were really icky, and I need to stop talking about classified stuff," Phil rambled. "Okay, right, present day. Did you know right before we came here she rescued me from outer space? It was awesome. But she didn't let me make a Star Wars joke."

The table of guys paused wondering what part of all of this they were supposed to address. Finally one asked, "you couldn't say little short for a stormtrooper?"

"NO!" Phil slammed down his beer. "Space rescue and you don't get to say something like that? It's just wrong. Though she is more Han than Luke. Do you think she'd love me if I called her a scruffy nerf herder?"

"Nope," Kelly said. He signaled to one of the guys to get Phil some water. "Why are you talking to us instead of her, mate?"

"Told you, she figured out what they were all up to, and I haven't, and I can't make us work again until I do," Phil nodded to himself. "We need a list. Paperwork was always comforting. We write it out, I'll see the pattern." He grabbed a cardboard coaster and flipped it over. "Space rescue, hand the company over to Daisy, move to Australia to the house Melinda bought a few years ago when I was going crazy and thought she'd have to put a bullet in my head."

"Jeez mate, you can't ask your lady to kill you like that," one of the guys said.

"We were colleagues, been through hell together, what you do in our line of work." Phil waved it off. "Discover Bunnings, you guys, sheep, horses, Nick visits and then tells all the old coworkers that we are running a secure B&B and doesn't tell us." Phil nodded a little to himself and wrote sloppy notes. "Clint, camel races, realize I'm in love with Melly mine, and Captain America becomes the greatest cock blocker ever."

"That guy with you guys did look like him. Actor?" Kelly asked.

"What? No that was Steve," Phil answered. "They leave, stuff, become teachers, and then the weird shit begins."

"Because some of that wasn't weird shit?" one of the guys commented.

"Not for him, I don't think," someone replied.

"Bunnings girl flirts with me in front of May, Bobbi and Hunter arrive and are all b.s. cutesy and saying they were doing it on orders. Hunter wouldn't do that for anyone but...Bobbi would for Jemma," he realized. "And then Natasha. Fucking Natasha, who would have had intel from Clint." Phil groaned and put his pen down. "Give me more beer."

"You are at number 5," Kelly warned. "She's going to kill us."

"No, doesn't even know I'm here, I snuck out a window, because I am a mature 53 year old man, who used to be in charge of one of the spyiest spy houses ever. My kids are superheroes," he whispered. "And they were all trying to set me and Melly up." It dawned on him slowly and he could kick himself because it was so obvious when you put it all together. 

This confused the four other men at the table. "Set you up for what?" someone asked.

"Set up, get together. They knew I loved Melly and wanted to force a move to happen to make us a couple."

The guys all shouted variations on "Bullshit!"

Phil looked at his beer, the guys, the wall, all very confused. "Huh?'

"Mate, you guys are together."

"Yeah, friends and colleagues who retired together," Phil said. "I've told you that." The one guy that Phil could never understand just said a bunch of things that Phil wouldn't have been able to parse out while sober. "I mean I love her, and the kids apparently were willing to be jackasses to smoosh our faces together but Melly mine doesn't feel like that."

"If he drinks a few more beers will he get smarter?" 

Kelly just shook his head. "Jesus, mate, she is completely gone over you."

"Melinda May doesn't get gone over me. Too much wrong history."

"You got gone on her," Kelly pointed out.

"Different. It is statistically impossible not to fall in love with Melinda May," Phil nodded. "I ran the numbers once."

Someone snorted at that. Kelly just texted Melinda so she could come get Phil.

They all sat there and listened to the very long list Phil had about how loving Melinda was an inevitable state for any het male, bi or pan person, and most lesbians. They all agreed to ignore what they were sure were classified details they weren't supposed to know. "Even Deadpool has a crush on her!" Phil shouted at one point. "She was number 3 on the spank bank list in the guy's locker room, and number 1 on the will kill us if she finds out about the spank bank list list. For a bunch that actually raised her even higher on the list. God you gotta love a woman who can escape being chained to a ceiling take out 5 guys, and then come save your ass. Stitched her up a bit after that," Phil smiled fondly. 

"Phil," Melinda said from behind him. She looked at all the guys. "I trust your memory of anything you heard tonight is very very foggy. He's upset at our friends."

"We were just talking about work on your roof," Kelly said. "And football."

Melinda nodded. "Out the window, really Phil?"

Phil gave her his best drunken puppy dog face. "Our kids were stupid. I should take Lola back."

"They were stupid, but it doesn't mean you should respond by becoming stupider."

"it's the Clint way, I'm trying it out," Phil said.

Melinda decided to ignore that. "Let's get you home." She pulled him up and got him to the truck. She headed towards home.

"Not that drunk," he said finally.

"Drunk enough, to be spilling things that should not be spilled."

"Never gave too many specifics," Phil said. "And I am tired of civilians not knowing how incredible you are. They should know how amazing the woman teaching their kids karate is."

"Did any of your stories explain how good you are?"

Phil looked at her. "No, of course not."

"Why not?"

"Because I was a guy doing my job. You were...you were my superhero Melly mine." He yawned. "Forget everyone else. At the end of the day, if i could have had it, I would have wanted a Melinda May action figure." He sunk down into his seat. "We were fine. And then they all interfered."

"They did," Melinda agreed. The road was so dark, empty as they neared home. "We'll be fine again."

"Maybe...maybe I don't want to be fine anymore," Phil said.

Melinda's hands gripped the wheel tight. "So what happens?"

"Ask me again when I'm sober," Phil answered.

Melinda pulled in front of the house and went in, leaving him be.

****************************************

One morning she sat in the barn a bag at her feet, and staring at her horses. It had been a couple weeks since what Natasha did and they were still messed up. Maybe this wasn't going to work any longer, whatever they had been building, had built, fell apart too easily. Leaving him be here would be good. He was more entrenched in the community than she was. Maybe the students would miss her for a week or two but they'd get over it. And she hated how Phil was circling her, watching her. Not touching her.

She knew he had had a couple nightmares and hadn't come to her. Melinda hadn't even realized just how much they were a unit until they separated. She wanted her Phil. She wanted them. And she didn't know if they would get that back. Disappearing seemed like a good option. She kissed her horses and went to pick up her bag but it was gone. Melinda looked around the barn and saw a trail in the dust. She followed it and there was Stark sheep, outside the pen somehow, taking a shit on her bag.

"You son of a bitch. We should have eaten you months ago," Melinda said. "You are evil."

"Running away again?" Phil called from the porch. "How many times have you run away from me Melinda?"

She glared at him. "How many times have you stone cold lied to me? You hide." 

They looked at each other. The sheep looked at them.

"Make me a goddamn breakfast sandwich, I'm going for a quick ride." Melinda stalked back into the barn and readied one of the horses. She left the bag where Stark sheep had defiled it. At breakfast they ate together and glared at each other. The whole day Phil wouldn't leave her side. Wouldn't talk to her, but wouldn't go more than a foot away from her. "I need to pee," she said at one point. She tried to close the door in his face and he put a foot in it and gave her his sternest glare.

Melinda rolled her eyes but peed with the door open. He was being ridiculous. 

That night he set up camp with a sleeping bag, blocking the door. She watched him put an alarm on her window. He still hadn't talked to her since before breakfast just the glare and never leaving her.

Never leaving her.

Like how he didn't want her to leave him.

She turned out the lights and curled up in the bed. She listened to him breathe. Knew he was awake. Would fight sleep as long as possible to make sure she didn't go anywhere.

Because apparently he wanted her to stay right there.

"I won't go," she said into the black. He was quiet. "To the end of the line," she added sure that would get him to relent.

"I hate Captain America," he said.

"What the fuck?" Melinda sat up in bed and got a gun, ready to do something.

"He came and had all your attention and you smiled at him and it looked like flirting and I wanted him dead."

"I wasn't flirting," Melinda said. "I don't flirt."

"You smiled at him."

"I smile at lots of people," she said. They were both quiet. "I smile at a few people," she amended. The quiet was so heavy. "I smile at you."

"Not as much as I wish you would," he whispered. "Not as much as I dream you do."

"I do," Melinda said. "Just when you can't see. I smile at you, Phil."

Melinda listened to the quiet, she could hear the bugs outside, a coyote. Phil didn't say anything. She wondered what she should say.

"Melinda," Phil finally whispered.

"Yes, Phil?" she held herself still.

"Your floor is a little uneven, we really should sand it down and refinish it better. Our skills have improved a lot."

"You just want to rent that giant power sander from Bunnings," she said and laughed a little. Of course there was no grand declaration of love. "Just get into the damn bed before you murder your back."

"I can be fine here," he said.

"When did you last do a spider parameter spray?"

Phil was in the bed in less than ten seconds. "I hate you," he groaned. He faced her and they could just make out each other's faces.

"Do you?" she asked.

"No. Never," he said.

She touched his hand and watched it glow a little. "Never for me too," she said. She placed her fingers on top of his prosthetic hand let them rest there. They stared at each other not saying anything, determined to just watch each other as long as they could. Eventually Phil fell asleep and Melinda watched him a little bit more before she couldn't stay awake any longer.


	15. Chapter 15

Melinda was cleaning the floors when Phil came home. "Let me guess, Bunnings," she said without looking up from her scrubbing.

"Okay, so maybe I have an inappropriate relationship with the store," Phil said putting the bags down. "The head manager called worried if I was okay, since I hadn't been in in ten days." He watched Melinda go still and then her shoulders shake. "Melly?" He hurried over and crouched. "Melly mine are you okay?"

Melinda collapsed to the ground laughing so hard that she had to hold her stomach and curl into a ball. Phil waited for her to be done, but she was laughing at him so much that she couldn't breathe.

"You are so beautiful," Phil said.

It stopped her laughing in its tracks. "You're forgetting your hat again, your balding area is freckling." She looked at Phil, "I've always liked your eyes," she added.

"I heard some interesting news, want to finish the floor and meet me in the gym?" 

"Sure," she agreed. She knew he was itching to share the details, but that he would wait because he knew how Melinda hated an unfinished job. Phil put away the things he bought and she finished the floors and dumped out the dirty water. Melinda washed her hands and went to their gym. Phil was pushing at his punching bag mostly just to watch it swing. "How interesting is the interesting news?"

"Pretty interesting," Phil said and went and sat on the bench. Melinda sat next to him. "It seems we have carved into the dojo's profit margins more than the guy who runs it likes."

"Well, he shouldn't have been an asshole," Melinda said. She then felt her face go hard. "Did he confront you at Bunnings?" She was ready to go murder him.

"I can fight my own fights," Phil reminded her. "But I kind of love how you are always ready to rescue me." He watched her look at a wall. Things were percolating in his brain, but he didn't say anything because he wanted to watch a little longer. "He talked, not confronted. He's moving to Sydney, and wants to sell the business here." He stopped talking to see what she would say.

Melinda looked at him. "Hmmm," was what she came up with after a minute. 

Phil was content to wait, he could see her weighing everything.

"Lots of paperwork," she pointed out.

"I'm good with paperwork," he said.

"Lots of money," Melinda added.

"We have it. All that lovely hazard back pay sitting in our accounts." Phil smiled, "Proper dojo for your little girls. More organized classes than what we do. Easier to get them into competitions and rankings recognized if we have something official."

"You want this?"

Phil nodded. "I do."

"I do too. Guess we need to find a lawyer."

Phil pulled her into a hug. "This is going to be awesome."

Melinda leaned into the hug and they sat there close for a few minutes. "Wrap the hands, I'll hold the bag for you."

*****************************************

It took a month to arrange the sale and do the work on the building that they wanted done. Kelly did as great a job as usual and Phil only had to endure 'tell her you love her' about 10 times a day from the guy. He and Melinda were back at home to their normal routine, her riding in the morning, evenings together on the couch.

They ended up in the same bed more often than not.

They decided to hold an opening party just for the students they already had. They would have a second grand opening and demonstration party the next week, but they agreed that their students deserved their own little celebration. Phil went a little over the top balloons and streamers and a pinata.

Melinda arranged healthy snacks and juice, and maybe a couple treats. The dojo looked good, a mix of the serious business and the fun that Phil wanted. She tried not to laugh too much at the Avengers mural he had commissioned for the one wall. Her dork.

Phil threw an arm over her shoulders. "The place looks great."

"It does," she agreed. "Phil?" She looked at him and smiled but he didn't see it, too busy looking around the space. By the time he looked down at her the smile had faded.

"Yeah?"

"There are noses pressed against the glass."

Phil looked over and there were a bunch of their students waving and shouting. He gave Melinda's shoulder an extra squeeze and went to let them in. Eventually there were a dozen kids running around and playing and a few trying out some of the equipment. Phil moved around hugging kids, letting himself be tackled, offering tips to the ones poking at all the new gear. He looked over and died. Somehow Melinda had ended up on the ground, a couple of her girls braiding her hair. He took a photo. He took ten and didn't care about how she glared at him.

Eventually Phil clapped his hands and asked all the kids to meet him on the mat. They all hurried over and sat and looked up at him. "So now that we have a proper classroom, we need some proper uniforms. We know you have your old uniforms, but this is a new space, a safe one meant for learning and challenging yourselves, so we thought new uniforms would be good." Phil smiled at them. "We are so, so proud of all of you."

Melinda brought a box out from under the table and she and Phil handed the clothes out to all the kids, pristine white with the new logo stitched in. Melinda had indulged him and let it be a shield. The kids were all thrilled and one of the older kids coughed.

"We have gifts for you too," a boy said.

Rachel went over to where a few kids had dropped bags and dragged one over. "Our parents helped us," she said.

"You didn't have to," Melinda said softly.

Rachel gave her a stubborn look, that Phil was absolutely not going to point out was a copy of Melinda's serious face. "When someone is nice and kind and makes you happy you tell them," Rachel said. "We all like you, so we are telling you that. You make people happy when you tell them that you like them and they are awesome."

Rachel pulled out a package for Melinda and her older brother one for Phil. Melinda opened hers carefully and Phil tore the paper off his. They were similar, two plaques, painted rather brightly. Ms. M Best Teacher Ever, Mr. C Almost as Good as Ms. M Teacher. Melinda looked at Phil's and was a little worried how he'd feel about that, because he loved the teaching and in her mind connected with the kids better than she did.

But Phil was beaming and laughing and praising his kids. He held it up to Melinda and was just the happiest she had ever seen him. "Look Melly mine, they think I am almost as good as you. It's perfect. We have to hang these up front and centre."

"I like you and you are awesome," Melinda blurted out.

All the kids stared at her in shock.

Phil did too.

Slowly all the tiny heads turned at looked at Phil.

He was still staring dumbstruck at Melinda. Melinda stood and took the two plaques over to a wall, making sure she didn't face the room.

"Mr. C I think you are supposed to say it back," one of his girls said. 

"Yeah," the whole class said.

Phil stood up. "Melly mine, I love you and you are so completely totally awesome." He walked over and turned her around. "Until the end of the line," he added. He watched her face carefully.

Melinda slowly smiled at him. 

Phil smiled back and then cupped her face and gave her a soft and very g rated kiss, remembering all the small eyes staring at them. He let her go and turned back to the kids. "Now who wants cake?" he asked easily, like he and Melinda hadn't just changed their whole universe. The kids all cheered and cake was served.

Kelly came to pick his kids up and gave Phil a huge wink when Rachel shouted that Mr. C had kissed Ms. M.

Phil and Melinda cleaned up the dojo and went home and ate dinner and watched a movie like they always did. 

There were 20 more kisses before they slid into bed together.

"I think my room will become an extra guest room for when we stop being mad at everyone," he whispered in the dark.

"They are going to be pissed when they find out 7 year olds brought us together when they couldn't," she said. "I'm going to enjoy the indignation."

"So...we're together?" Phil asked.

"We always were," Melinda answered.

"We were," Phil agreed. He pulled her in close, wrapped his arms around her. "I love you," he said.

"I know."

Phil froze. "Did you just Star Wars me?" He felt her laughter against his chest. "Melly mine, this is going to be great." He kissed the top of her head and his hand stroked down her back.

Melinda kissed his chest. "It already has been." Another kiss and her hand began to work under his t-shirt. "Even money we get interrupted either by someone from work or Stark sheep," she said.

"No, nothing is going to stop this moment," he promised. He kissed her, a different kiss than the others that afternoon, one that was richer, deeper, and full of promise. 

And for once, the universe cut them a break and they were left alone that night.


	16. Epilogue

"Hey, mate?" It was Kelly's turn to break but he was distracted by the woman behind Phil. They met every Thursday night for an hour for a drink and a game while Melinda taught her karate class.

"Yeah?" Phil took a sip of Fosters. It was crap but guaranteed to not hit him.

"There is a really sad looking girl giving you puppy eyes at the table over there," Kelly waved his cue a bit and then took the break.

"Yup," Phil looked at the tables. "Solids," he decided and sunk his first but missed the second shot.

"Like those are the worst puppy eyes ever," Kelly said. "Jesus."

"Yup, why I'm not looking," Phil said. "Day three of being followed around by those puppy eyes. Melly won't break she knows that, but she'll wear me down." Phil watched Kelly. "Damn you are in the groove tonight." Phil was going to lose the 10 bucks they gambled on the game.

"Younger than some of the others that have visited," Kelly said. He scratched and cursed. "Well I left you a beauty of a table."

Phil whistled low and happy. "Might go home with the money after all." He worked the table and was down to his last ball but it was a bitch of an angle. There was a tiny shiver in the room and the ball moved just a bit.

"What the hell was that?" Kelly looked around but no one had seemed to notice it.

Phil pulled his cue down. "Daisy Elizabeth Johnson you did not just use your powers to help me win," Phil glared at her.

The puppy eyes intensified. "I was just helping. And Elizabeth isn't my middle name."

"If I am going to yell at you, it needs a middle name, carries more weight."

Kelly realized then who this was. "Oi, mate, why didn't yours and May's kid was in town. We coulda skipped a week?" He waved at Daisy. "He's real proud of you, you know, brags constantly."

Daisy perked up a little. "Yeah?"

"Just because I'm proud doesn't mean I'm still not really disappointed in the behaviour you exhibited 3 months ago," Phil warned. Daisy sunk back in her chair. Phil nodded a little. "Okay then, come on. We can play a round before we have to pick up Melly."

Daisy hopped off her barstool and grabbed a pool stick. Phil racked the balls and gave a wave to Kelly who decided to go talk to a couple guys at the bar. He broke and called stripes. They played in silence, Phil winning. They finished their beers and started to walk to the dojo.

"I am sorry," Daisy said finally.

"I know," Phil replied. "I got the daily emails."

"But you didn't reply."

Phil stopped and looked at her. "I like the hair," he said. "The purple tips are nice."

"I've been going through old mission files in the spare time I don't have. Listening to Clint and Nick's stories. Only met her a couple times, but Hand was cool. Decided to give the hair a go."

"And it has nothing to do with the old Academy days photos where May has purple hair," Phil said.

Daisy shrugged and stared off into space.

"You know Melinda hates her private life being public," Phil said. "And everything you all were doing? You had to know it wasn't good."

"We do! We swear. And we haven't interfered since have we?" They started walking again.

"What is coming here, uninvited but interference?" Phil asked.

"I missed you!" Daisy shouted. She toned her voice down when people turned. "We all miss you. And it was sort of figured I was least likely to be killed if i made the apology in person. We won't interfere no matter how perfect you are for each other, or how you should be making gooey eyes all the time, or that you are both madly in love no matter that you won't say anything. I just really wanted to see the two of you, when you didn't scare me." She smiled at him. "And I want to meet your sheep."

"My sheep are the best," Phil agreed. "And maybe, I've missed all of you a little bit. A tiny, very tiny bit." He opened the door to the dojo where May was just wrapping up the lesson. "May, wanna show your girls a practical demonstration?"

All the girls cheered at the idea. May just looked at Daisy.

"Getting my ass kicked in front of tiny people is how I apologize to May?" Daisy said.

"It is if you want to stop sleeping in your rental car like a creeper and use our guest bed tonight," Phil explained. "No powers in front of the kids," he whispered.

He leaned against the wall and watched Daisy take off her shoes and go to the mat.

"Hi, May," she said and sort of waved.

"Director Johnson," Melinda nodded and took position. They bowed and then attacked. Phil decided to move forward and sit on the floor and talked to the girls, pointed out moves, explained the technique behind a throw or two.  Eventually May had Daisy tapping out, but it was a hard fought win.

The girl's all cheered and Melinda let Daisy up. "You aren't completely forgiven," Melinda warned her.

"I get it, and I will take the slivers you are willing to offer," Daisy said.

"Hmmm," Melinda just said. She and Phil helped the girls gather all their stuff and handed them over to the slowly arriving parents. Daisy watched out of the corner of her eye and Phil and Melinda were given hugs, and high fives and bows. She walked over to the plaques and smiled at them. They were just too cute. There were also a half dozen photos on the wall. A belt ceremony for some of the kids, ribbon cutting on the grand opening, a few shots of the classes and...

Daisy looked closer at the one picture. It was in the dojo and there was Phil in a suit and Melinda in a dress. A small group of people around them. And in the corner...

"Are you two fucking married?" Daisy shouted as she realized that it was a wedding cake in the corner of the photo.

Phil was relieved all the girls were already gone and turned a bit red. He looked at Melinda and let her take lead.

"Sure," Melinda said easily. "About six weeks or so, I think." She grabbed her bag. "Want a pizza?" she asked Phil.

"Pizza sounds great," Phil agreed. He held out his hand and Melinda took it.

"And you hold hands? In public?" Daisy stared at them.

"Need to lock up, you coming?" Melinda asked and turned out the lights.

Daisy walked towards them in a daze. "Married," she said. She kept repeating "You're married," all the way to the pizza place. Finally while they sat and waited for the food she seemed to snap back to reality. "Oh my god, you are married." She grabbed her phone and started texting furiously. She didn't even notice them get up, collect the pizza, and leave her there.

When Phil and Melinda woke up in the morning they were surrounded by 8 Avengers and Agents of Shield. They really wished they were surprised.

Clint was sitting on the bed. "Hi," he waved. "Thanks for not sleeping naked, Mr and Mrs Coulson."

Melinda pulled her gun out from under her pillow. "Name is still May."

"Sorry, Mom," Clint said. He felt everyone's eyes on him. "I said May."

Phil sighed a little. "Right, I'll get started on eggs and pancakes. Thank god bought those two griddles last week at Bunnings."

"I don't remember that," Melinda said. 

"I might have sneaked them in," Phil said. "They were -"

"Having a sale," Melinda finished and kissed his nose.

"Oh god, it's really real," Fitz said.

"That was a little disturbing, honestly," Jemma decided. "I mean we wanted it, but it looks odd. Difference between theoretical and practical."

"You want to see real?" Melinda climbed onto Phil's lap and started to pull up her shirt.

"Ack!" at least three people said and everyone scrambled out of the room.

Phil laughed. "That will learn them." He pulled her close. "They can wait for breakfast."

"Offering poor service to your guests Phil," Melinda said but let him pull her down.

"Our guests," Phil replied. He kissed her gently. 

She broke off the kiss. "Fine, we can run the B&B too. I'll forgive them."

"Shit, my kisses are that powerful?" Phil joked. "Can I get monogrammed towels?"

"No," she replied.

They heard a knock on their window. "I made your Stark sheep, Iron sheep," Tony called.

Phil pushed Melinda off his lap and grabbed a gun. "Shit, he's weaponized pure evil. I will keep us safe." Phil tore out of the room in his boxers and sleep tee. 

Melinda got up and changed and went to start cooking a huge breakfast for all their guests. 

Retirement was a lot of work. She looked out the window and saw Phil trying to catch a flying sheep.

It was rather perfect.

"Clint that is the family coffee pot, drink directly out of your dedicated one. Nick do not touch my cast iron pan, or I will gut you," Melinda said. "Steve stop looking guilty and start chopping bell peppers. If you aren't helping get out of the way."

Or sort of perfect. Which was perfect enough.


	17. Bonus Chapter: Tumblr Christmas Ficlet

“Phil, why did SHIELD sent a rather large shipping container?” She walked around the container. “You didn’t steal Lola back from Daisy did you?”

Phil had a crowbar on his shoulder and was grinning. “Box isn’t big enough to hold Lola,” he said. “Close but not quite.” He tapped in the lock code and when it lit green he used the crowbar to lift the lid. “Hell yeah,” he whispered.

Melinda looked inside. “I am not helping you with that.”

“Kelly will,” he said. “I bribed him.”

“Okay then, I’ve headed into to teach. Have fun.” Melinda went to the dojo and bought groceries. When she got home, Kelly and Phil had made decent inroads in putting up all the lights around blow up Christmas decorations around the house.

“Won’t the heat hurt those?” she asked looking at the plastic. It was hot even for summer.

“Ask if I care,” Phil shouted from the roof. “I have a house Melly mine and it will be obnoxious and we are out enough no neighbours to annoy.” He hit a button and one of the blow up lawn things started to move. “Oops, I should have warned you,” he said watching it deflate due to Melinda’s knife in Santa’s face.

Kelly laughed at Phil and hung some more lights.

****************************

The fake tree was scraping the ceiling it was so tall. There was cardboard fireplace against the wall with two stockings hanging on it.

There was a Christmas quilt on her bed. 

They even had Christmas mugs.

They were eating a salad for dinner and Melinda looked at him. “You have a snow machine, don’t you?”

Phil paid close attention to his salad. “Noooooo,” he said slowly.

“Uh-huh,” Melinda said. 

She didn’t comment on the Christmas pajama pants he wore to bed that night.

*****************************

There was Christmas music and movies constantly. And cookies and even somehow beer that tasted like Christmas. It was disgusting. Phil was in heaven. They threw a party for the kids at the dojo, and then a larger party out at the house.

Stark sheep was dyed red. 

She definitely wasn’t going to comment on that one.

Melinda enjoyed it all, mostly for how Phil was enjoying it. She enjoyed Christmas but got this wasn’t just about Christmas, but a their first Christmas together and in their new place.

Or hell, maybe it was going to be like this every year and then she’d have to kill him in his sleep.

December 23rd they slid into bed and Phil pulled her close. “Thanks, for indulging me.”

“You’ve almost stayed on budget and Bunnings, it is easy to indulge.”

“What would make you happy for Christmas?” Phil asked quietly in the dark. It was the time Melinda was most likely to be honest.

“A new saddle,” she said.

“That’s it?”

“Have you, I’m pretty good.” Besides time was too short to really get what she wanted. 

“Hmmm,” Phil said. “Well you have been pretty good this year, I bet Santa will have a good surprise for you.”

Melinda rolled on top of Phil. “You sure I’ve been that good?”

He pulled her flush against him. “The best,” he whispered and they were done talking.

************************************

Christmas morning, Melinda bolted up. “Someone’s in the house,” she said and reached for a gun.

“It’s just Santa,” he muttered and rolled over. “Merry Christmas, Melly mine,” he fell back asleep.

“This is your thing, how are you falling back asleep on Christmas day,” she hissed.

“Was up late with your gift, sleep now, Christmas after more snooze.” He reached for her but she was out of bed and he fell back asleep.

Melinda put on clothes and grabbed a gun and went down the hall.

And found Clint, Daisy, Fitz, Jemma, Mack and Elena all sleeping under the Christmas tree.

They all had a bow on them.

Melinda went back to the bedroom and crawled into the bed. “That’s not a saddle,” she said softly.

“No but you wanted all the kids home for Christmas,” he said.

“I really did.” She kissed his head. 

“Clint and I are going to cook the turkey in a garbage can, read all about it,” he said and wrapped himself around her. 

“That will be interesting.”

“Merry Christmas, Melly mine.”

“Merry Christmas, Phil.”

They woke up again an hour later when they heard, “Aww, snow machine, no.” and then Daisy shouting. “I didn’t do it! You tell them it was all your idea.”

Having the kids home for Christmas was perfect.


End file.
